tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19426845108353533602024-03-14T11:09:23.184-05:00Falling on His GraceTrust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.comBlogger189125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-19968234299917932422021-04-25T17:14:00.009-05:002021-04-25T18:13:20.617-05:00I've moved (sort of)<p> Hello,</p><p> </p><p>I wanted to share that I may or may not be doing any more blogging on this site. I have started a page on facebook: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/Falling-on-His-Grace-105333285028366">Falling on His Grace</a> (https://www.facebook.com/Falling-on-His-Grace-105333285028366), as well as a feed on Instagram: <a href="https://www.instagram.com/fallingonhisgrace/">fallingonhisgrace</a> (https://www.instagram.com/fallingonhisgrace/). If anyone chances upon this blog and would like to follow me, please look for me and follow me there! Looking forward to seeing you in either of those places! :) </p><p> Kim <br /></p>Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-87306849779471503702020-04-15T21:46:00.000-05:002020-04-20T11:20:58.345-05:00The Reason I Am Doing ThisBefore I write more, I want to give a brief explanation as to where I am coming from.<br />
<br />
I have a passion for suffering. Not that I like suffering. I don't. In fact, I can be quite a baby when it comes to any sort of suffering. But I love what God does with it. I love how God uses it, and because of Him, I love suffering.<br />
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I have a passion for moving through life with our eyes fixed on Jesus, choosing to live in joy no matter how we may feel or what is happening. Unfortunately, I have often failed in my attempts at doing this. Sometimes I feel so discouraged I simply can't seem to raise my eyes to Him. But I love how He works in me when He is the focus of my gaze and of my life. I love how my life simply makes sense in those times. And I love to love Him.<br />
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My passion for suffering and for what God does with it is borne of my experience with longstanding anxiety, depression, insomnia, fatigue, and brain fog. I've certainly had my difficult moments through which I deeply struggled. I have fallen. I have felt hopeless. My passion began during those moments, but my cross is primarily carried through the day-to-day battles, and my passion has grown in those daily battles.<br />
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Nine years ago, when I was experiencing severe insomnia and anxiety, I would lie awake night after night, my heart pounding in my chest and in my head. I would pray, begging Jesus and Mary, Queen of Peace, for some relief. On a few occasions, I felt a peace literally wash over me. It would only last a couple minutes each time, but it was obvious that it had a Divine origin. I learned from those experiences that the most profound relief I would receive would be from God and that He would give meaning to these trials. I learned that, if I were to get better, I would need to rely on Him. Yes, I would need to take care of myself, take some medications, and go to counseling, but what would be more important would be to live my life in union with Him.<br />
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And so, with His help, I have tried to do that as well as I could. It's become central to my life - a way of life really. Living and studying this place where our suffering and God's grace meet has reached the core of who I am. It is so central to my being that a person cannot truly know me without knowing how important this is to me and how I strive to live my faith in the midst of both joy and suffering.<br />
<br />
I am not an expert, but there is not a day that goes by that I am not affected my anxiety, depression, and/or insomnia and fatigue, and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about and often ponder finding God within suffering and rarely a day that goes by that I neglect to pray and submit myself to God accordingly. In praying and living this redemption in God and in reading and studying, He has blessed me in the ways that He has seen fit. He has taught me according to what He wants me to know. The more I learn, the more I realize that there is so much I do not understand, and the more I realize how deep yet beautifully simple God is. And the more I learn of these mysteries, the more I am drawn to Him, the more in love with Him I become.<br />
<br />
I cannot continue to keep this to myself. I want to share it. I feel called to share it. I want to give God at least a portion of the glory He deserves - I want to give Him as much glory as I can give to Him. I want to share what He has taught me with others in order to help and support them on their journey, to assist others in finding meaning and joy in their suffering, that they may, above all, find that their trials offer a path to a deep and lasting relationship with Christ.<br />
<br />
I am, honestly, a bit scared to take this on and, of myself, feel quite inadequate, but I feel I need to move through this fear and share what He has taught me - or to at least attempt to share it. I will not be posting frequently, nor will my posts be perfectly edited because my life right now does not allow for frequent, perfectly edited and publishable posts, nor am I currently in the practice of writing. But, by God's grace, I will do what I can do and will write what I prayerfully believe He is asking me to write.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-27539892225088478022020-04-10T11:14:00.000-05:002020-04-12T14:48:30.670-05:00A Good Friday Meditation<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Jesus came to earth to teach us about God and to show us the love of the Father, to forgive our sins, and to redeem and reconcile us to Himself. He came to be Love Incarnate. Good Friday is an especially good day to remember and meditate upon this. It is a day to unite ourselves to Him for that purpose. </span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;">Jesus also came to earth to sanctify suffering. He took on a human form and was born a baby, of a woman. Our God lived life on this earth in a human body for thirty three years and immersed Himself in the human experience. For this reason, "God, too, knows exactly how it feels to be cold, or tired, or hungry, or sore with pain, because he, too, has had a body. He has spent long hours, for years at a time, doing the routine and unspectacular work of a carpenter, has walked long days over dusty roads with tired feet, has curled his shoulders against the night air or a chill rain, has been without sleep while others slept, has been thirsty and hot and weary and ready to drop from exhaustion.... [He] must have had headaches and toothaches and backaches and aching bones, must have been anxious and annoyed and irritated at times" (Ciszek, <i>He Leadeth Me</i>, 100). He was a human being, though still God, composed, like us, of body and soul, and He experienced suffering accordingly. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;">As if this daily suffering was not enough, He went a step further. He experienced what it was "to stumble and fall, be bruised and mangled and torn. He cried out at last, as have all of us at one time or another, to be spared any more burdens or suffering" (Ciszek,100). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;">In addition, He made Himself to be vulnerable and to be in need of our love. "...at the incarnation, Jesus, the eternal Son, assumed a human nature and a <i>human heart</i>. And if his Heart truly is human, if he truly is like us in all things but sin, then his Heart is filled with the desire not only to love but also <i>to be loved</i>.... In other words, by taking on a human heart, God, in Christ, <i>made himself vulnerable</i>.... By his free choice, God allowed himself, in Jesus Christ, to feel a <i>need</i> for our love" (Gaitley, <i>33 Days to Merciful Love</i>, 155). In becoming human and in choosing this vulnerability and this need for our love, Jesus feels pain when we do not love Him. He <i>thirsts</i> for our love. Fr. Gaitley even says Jesus has a "<i>burning thirst</i> for love from those for whom he gave up his life" (Gaitley, 155). This burning thirst continues even to this day. His need for our love, as well as His desire to pour His love out on us, continues and will continue throughout eternity. Just as we all need love and respect, as a part of our human condition, and we feel a great deal of pain when we are not loved, the same is true of Jesus.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;">Truly, Jesus suffered and continues to suffer. </span><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;">We are no longer alone in our pain. Our God, our Savior, has joined us in it and shares in it with us. </span><span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;">He has united Himself to us in all aspects of our human experience of suffering. Jesus is God and did not suffer for His own sake. His divinity had no need for it, but His suffering, both in the routine, everyday life and work and in His passion and death, sanctified our own suffering.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;"><span style="line-height: 107%;">Suffering entered
this world with the Fall, with Adam and Eve’s sin. It has been a part of this
world from that time on and continues to be a part of this world. Jesus did not
take away our suffering. Our human frailty and free will would have made it virtually impossible for Him to do that in any lasting way. Instead, in His wisdom, He chose to suffer with us and to give our suffering meaning and purpose.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;"><span style="line-height: 107%;">Like with His
Baptism, where, though His divinity did not necessitate it, He was baptized in order to
sanctify Baptism and the Baptismal waters, part of the reason for His suffering
and death was to sanctify suffering. God brings good out of all things,
including our crosses and difficulties. By His experiencing and walking through such suffering, He brought His holiness to the reality of suffering. It is a holiness and a sanctification we can now experience in our own crosses. Through the gift of His own suffering and death, He lifts us up to something more and redeems us and our suffering so that our pain has purpose and so that we are made to be more than we previously were, so that we can reach holiness in Him by those very trials that would otherwise tear us down.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;"><span style="line-height: 107%;">Some of God's greatest gifts come out of
our crosses. He is there within those
crosses and within that suffering. When we accept and surrender our trials to Him, we are able to find Him there with us. We are able to enter into a communion and a deep
relationship with Him, to walk with Him, yoked to Him.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;">By His suffering, we are no longer alone in ours. We are no longer alone in our physical pain or in our exhaustion, nor are we alone in our emotional pain and our need for love. Even more than before His Incarnation and death, we can turn to our God with our pain and unite it to His. We can stand in solidarity with Him. As two hurt people can come together and console each other by their very presence and by their sharing of the burden, we can turn to Jesus in our pain and stand in solidarity with Him.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;">In our suffering, we are also broken, as Jesus had been. We are made to be vulnerable. Our brokenness and vulnerability become beautiful when united with His and when it creates in us an openness to His love and to the shared experience of the cross with Him. It is beautiful when it creates in us a realization of our need for Him and for His love and a reaching out to Him who can hold and comfort us and be with us in our pain.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;">There is a prayer, the "Anima Christi," among whose petitions is "Within Thy wounds hide me." It is very powerful to pray these words when we are suffering. "Lord, hold me within Your very wounds. Cradle me in my pain and surround me with Your flesh. Comfort me as we share in this experience of pain." In doing so, though, we also have something to offer to Jesus. We can comfort Him. "Lord, as you cradle me within your wounds, may my very being and may my own suffering which I offer to You be a balm of love that relieves a portion of Your pain."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;">This shared suffering brings with it a communion with Him, a mingling of our suffering with His. In a spiritual sense, it brings with it a mingling of our blood with His. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small; line-height: 107%;">By our acceptance of that which we do not want, that which hurts us, out of love for Him, as He did out of love for us, we die to ourselves and live for Him. We unite ourselves to our very Source, to He who is the Source of all holiness and of all sanctification. In doing this, He lifts us up to Himself and pours Himself into our own hearts in a special way. This love that we give to Him, our God and our Savior, and this love that He gives to us, cracks open our hearts and recreates us into that which our Father has first created us to be. In our suffering and in our brokenness, we are sanctified. We are made holy.</span></div>
Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-7519918552266533832020-03-25T18:42:00.005-05:002020-11-07T13:19:08.749-06:00Receiving Spiritual SightAs we are forced to step back from our lives due to Coronavirus and social distancing, other problems may arise or surface, or difficulties that we had had before may be complicated, causing us uneasiness or anxiety or forcing us to deal with feelings and situations we'd prefer not to deal with. <br />
<br />
Whether the Coronavirus or another problem, any time we're thrust into a difficult situation or have a trial put in our hands, we may wonder why or wish for it to just go away and for life to return to normal. In turning to God, we may ask that of Him: "Lord, please fix this. Please take it away." There are times, however, that a trial is necessary or beneficial.<br />
<br />
We read in this last Sunday's Gospel a story about a grown man who had been blind since birth, sitting and begging for money and food. We don't know how old this man was nor how long he had been begging. We don't know how often He had wished he could see, wished that this blindness would be taken away from him. We don't know how he had suffered for so many years nor the extent of the difficulties his blindness had caused him, but we can be assured that he had suffered. And why? Why does God allow His people to suffer? Why does He allow difficulty and hardships? Jesus gives one critical answer that is good for us to hear as well, in this current situation and in all situations in which we find ourselves: "...he was born blind so that God's works might be revealed in him" (John 9:3, RSV)<br />
<br />
In other words, the purpose of his blindness was that God's glory may be revealed through it. One way in which God's glory and works were revealed was quite obvious, at least on the surface, in this case. The man was healed. He could see. Jesus had performed a miracle. God's glory was revealed in the miracle. Yet, in enough cases, Jesus had asked that the person healed tell no one about the healing or about Himself, and it is very possible Jesus had requested the same from this man. A public awareness and acknowledgement of a miracle was not the glory Jesus had meant.<br />
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The revelation was something deeper. It is both clearly and symbolically shown in this man receiving his sight. Jesus, in many places, equates blindness with ignorance of the ways of God and sight with an understanding given by God and a spiritual encounter with Him, seeing the world and life in light of it. Jesus says here again, "I am the light of the world" (John 9:5). He is the One who gives light and therefore, spiritually, who gives sight.<br />
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After the man had been driven out of the temple, Jesus found him and asked him if he believed in the Son of Man. The man who had been blind asked Jesus, "Who is he, sir? Tell me, so that I may believe in him." I love Jesus' answer: "You have seen him..." The man immediately worshiped Jesus, having recognized him (John 9:35-38). You have seen him. Obviously, this man had seen Jesus with the very eyes that Jesus had opened, but to also understand that Jesus was not only a prophet but was God took eyes of faith as well.<br />
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It is likely that the blindness this man had experienced had prepared Him to recognize God. This trial and disability that had persisted and caused great difficulty for this man for his entire life had prepared him to recognize the works of the Lord, not only as a healing but also as a revelation of God's glory and of His presence. It had readied his heart to worship.<br />
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Nine years ago, when I began suffering with constant, severe anxiety and insomnia, with a pounding heart and with claustrophobia and hallucinations, I begged God to heal me, to take it all away. Fixing the problem would have revealed God's power, but what He did instead revealed His glory in a deeper and more profound way. What He did instead opened my spiritual eyes and changed me.<br />
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Over the course of that time, I suffered, I turned to God, and I encountered Him. Something changed during that first year of this chronic, suffocating anxiety and insomnia. It wasn't overnight nor anything dramatic. It took place during the day-in and day-out moving through the suffering and living my life while learning to lean on God. Over the course of that first year, my outlook on life changed drastically, and it continues to change. I began to see my anxiety and insomnia as a gift. This began a process of great growth and healing and has formed the foundation on which I now strive to live.<br />
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While we want our problems to be fixed and our troubles to be eased, often that is not what is in our best interest. Fixing our problems is not the same as healing. God wants true, deep healing for us. He wants us to live genuine trust, love, forgiveness, and humility. He wants to heal broken relationships and broken trust, impatience, pride, and self-reliance. Suffering often reveals issues we may not have noticed or may have been able to ignore before. Sometimes we need to move, with God, through that suffering in order to be truly healed. True healing ultimately has as its basis and foundation God Himself and a confident, intimate relationship with Him - itself a gift of moving through trials if we turn to Him.<br />
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Like the blind man, our living in suffering helps us to learn to recognize God and to see Him with eyes of faith so that, each time we encounter Him, we know Him, and our hearts are lifted to His. <br />
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Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-34412201939085929442020-03-19T14:39:00.000-05:002020-03-22T13:07:45.368-05:00Transformative Trust in the Face of the CoronavirusMy husband told me the song "It's the End of the World as We Know It" is back on the charts. It seems appropriate as the world is changing, and there could be more changes ahead of us. At this time, there are both the familiar - in the seasons and outdoors, in the family we have gathered around us, and in the conveniences we have in our home - and the unfamiliar - restaurants, theaters, and some stores being closed, children home from school, keeping our distance from friends. And there's the unknown; there's navigating the unknown waters and new ill-understood and ill-defined social norms. Do I let my kids play with friends, limiting it to two or three total? Do we go to stores to buy essentials? Am I putting my family's and my life in danger by doing seemingly innocuous, everyday things?<br />
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A friend made the comment that she feels as if the world is hanging on by a thread. This time we are in can certainly give that impression. For some, including her, this quarantine has changed the very fabric of their lives, and very little is the same.<br />
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There's the question of the future. Will we recover? Will the Coronavirus subside? Will things return to the way they were? Will businesses and non-profits be able to withstand this and reopen? Will families survive financially? How will this affect people's mental health, their values, and the norms of our society? And - dare I even ask - who will be taken from us? Will we lose family or friends?<br />
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I hope things will get better soon and that our questions will be answered in a way that is easy and painless, but I fear they may get worse before they get better. <br />
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What do we have to hold on to at this time in the face of such unknowns? Or Whom do we have to hold on to? We must turn to God and cling to Him. Cardinal Robert Sarah stated in a recent letter, "It is now, in this
time when the Coronavirus oppresses the peoples of the whole world, that
we must turn with more intensity, confidence and truth towards God,
entrusting ourselves to His Fatherly tenderness.... 'Live in prayer and
supplication; pray at all times in the Spirit, with tireless
vigilance...' (Eph 6:18)."<br />
<br />
Even if it appears that things are out of control, and even if they begin to appear hopeless, He is still in control. The victory is assured - and the victory, that of life over death, has already been had. Anything else is only in appearance, is only a veil of the reality.<br />
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Oh, it is so easy to doubt, especially at a time like this, when all seems to be turned upside down. But God is faithful now just as He always is. He loves us and does not turn His back on us. He takes care of us.<br />
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Those who have experienced God's faithfulness know Him to be faithful. Yet, at a time like this, it is easy for fear or concern to override that trust in His faithfulness. The problems loom large. Now more than ever, we need to hold fast to Him.<br />
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I believe this is a time of opportunity. This is a time of mercy. This is a time when we are being called to approach Him, to open our arms and our hearts more fully to Him.<br />
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We are being given the gift of time. Until now, we are a busy people. We are always running this way and that, dropping kids off at school, leaving for meetings, fulfilling obligations. Now many of us are home with fewer things needing our attention. We can slow down. We can find time for quiet. We can take time to read scripture or other spiritual reading. We can begin more earnestly to pray. It is an opportunity.<br />
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Masses and other church services and meetings are put on hold. This is difficult for many of us to accept, but it is out of our control. In most cases, our churches are still available for quiet prayer, and there are Masses being posted or transmitted online such as those by Bishop Robert Barron or Fr. Michael Schmitz. We can also pray at home or outdoors. God is present everywhere and always, not just during Mass. This is an opportunity and a calling to see God in everything, to look around us and open our eyes to His presence, to know that we can encounter Him as we take time to appreciate His creation and the gifts He is giving to us: the rain falling and dripping off the trees, the birds chirping to welcome spring, the sun shining on our faces, the laughter or even the cries of our children, that word of encouragement we needed or scripture verse that spoke to our hearts. He is there. We can begin to pray constantly by being aware of His presence all around us and within us. It is an opportunity.<br />
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People throughout the world are in great need, and never before have we all stood in solidarity in our need and, at the same time, been so aware of our solidarity. There are so many needs and so many opinions. But it can no longer be us against them. We are all together in this. Our world needs God's grace and healing power. We need to offer our prayers and sacrifice. God has given us free will and will not force Himself upon the world. We need to invite Him. We need to respond to the love He gives us by giving Him love in return. And we need to trust Him, even throwing ourselves on Him and on His mercy and His grace. The problems here are too big for any of us or even for all of us together, but they are not too big for our all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God. He can work miracles. He is our hope. He is our savior. In Him, we must trust.<br />
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We need to believe with all we are that God can and will help us, that He can and will lift us up and bring something wonderful out of this. This is an unprecedented time; it will also be an unprecedented time of God's grace if all the faithful turn to Him in prayer, in love, and in surrender, inviting, by our example and by our prayers for God's grace, others to join us in giving ourselves to Him and putting ourselves in His loving and capable hands.<br />
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It is an opportunity, a gift from God.<br />
<br />Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-87527504276455170172020-03-12T13:26:00.001-05:002020-03-16T20:49:43.165-05:00On PerseveranceOftentimes the most difficult thing about having anxiety or depression, or having insomnia, brain fog, and fatigue is the never-ending battle. Nearly every day is a fight, a battle. Some days the battle is fairly small; some days it is an epic battle.<br />
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Paul reminds us to "persevere in running the race that lies before us <a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="66012002"><span class="bcv"></span>while keeping our eyes
fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith. For the sake of the
joy that lay before him he endured the cross, despising its shame, and
has taken his seat at the right of the throne of God.</a> <a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="66012003"><span class="bcv"></span>Consider how he endured such opposition from sinners, in order that you may not grow weary and lose heart" (Hebrews 12: 1-3). </a><br />
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This life, this battle, feels like a race - like an ultra marathon, or rather like ultra marathon, after ultra marathon, after ultra marathon.... Some days I just want to stop running. I just want to curl up next to the side of the road or perhaps walk off the track and make my own direction - a direction that seems as if it would be easier.<br />
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Jesus also ran a race. Yes, there was a more defined beginning and end to this particular race I'm speaking of, but I'm sure it felt as if it was unending at times. In His race, He was beaten down, mocked, made to carry something too heavy for Him, and fell several times yet rose again before being stripped and, absolutely worn down and with no fight left in Him, nailed to a cross - trapped with no escape and carrying the weight of all our sins. Yet, "for the sake of the joy that lay before him he endured the cross.... Consider how he endured such opposition from sinners, in order that you may not grow weary and lose heart."<br />
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He gave us His example, that we "may not grow weary and lose heart," and we must follow, "for the sake of the joy that lay before" us all. It does not always feel as if there is joy that lay ahead. I'm sure it did not feel that way for Jesus, though He knew, and we now know, that there was. We are also called, like Him, to persevere in that race.<br />
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There is blessing in the struggles. There is depth of relationship with Him. There is indeed joy and great hope. There will be an end - and a beginning of something greater. But that something greater cannot just be given. We work out our salvation with God while on this earth.<br />
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As a sword is forged in fire or gold refined, we also become stronger and our impurities washed away in the fire of our battles. Our reliance on ourselves is melted away to reveal a beautiful reliance on God. Our dependence on our own apparent strength and our realization of our great weakness is forged into a reliance on God's strength. Illusions of a dream of a great life here on earth give way to the desire to be with God and to have a relationship with Him over and above anything here.<br />
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We learn to rejoice in the struggle and to see beauty and gift in it. Our human nature tells us that pain and struggle are bad. We must learn to see the blessing in it. The struggle is sanctifying.<br />
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There is a beauty in the rawness of brokenness. There is a vulnerability. When we are whole, we can be prideful; we can take care of ourselves. We are not in need, not broken open, and have no need to be vulnerable. When we are broken, we realize our weakness and littleness. We realize our need for God, and our need for God is beautiful. The vulnerability we must adopt is beautiful. We are empty. We realize that we need Him - and He takes care of us when we put ourselves in His hands.<br />
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Later in Hebrews 12, Paul says, "<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="66012005">You have also forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as sons:
</a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="66012005">
</a><br />
<div class="poil">
'My son, do not disdain the discipline of the Lord<sup> </sup>or lose heart when reproved by him;<span class="bcv"> </span>for whom the Lord loves, he disciplines; he scourges every son he acknowledges.'<span class="bcv"> </span>Endure your trials as 'discipline'; God treats you as sons. For what 'son' is there whom his father does not discipline?<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="66012010">... He does so for our benefit, in
order that we may share his holiness. </a><span class="bcv"></span>At the time, all
discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain, yet later it brings
the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who are trained by it<sup>."</sup></div>
<div class="poil">
<br /></div>
<div class="poil">
<sup><span style="font-size: small;">We endure our trials as discipline that we may share in His holiness, that the training we receive by it brings us to righteousness in God. Without the refinement of discipline, we will remain selfish, prideful beings who seek only pleasure and rely on our own understanding and ability. Discipline seems to be a cause for pain at the time, as Paul says, but as we learn to humbly seek God and rely on Him, living in accordance with His ways and with the nature He gave us, it becomes a cause for joy. </span></sup>
</div>
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It is discipline also to walk in faith through the trials and battles, to pray day after day. It is discipline to persevere in the face of our crosses and difficulties - to persist and endure.<br />
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Another great passage from St. Paul is found in Romans: "...<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="53005003">we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, </a><span class="bcv"></span>and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, <span class="bcv"></span>and hope does not
disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts
through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us" (Romans 5:3-5).<br />
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Afflictions produce endurance. In our trials, we learn to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep running, our eyes on Christ and our strength in Him. Just as an ultra marathon runner cannot train and develop endurance, we cannot train in faith and reliance on God and develop endurance through this life except by being tested and pushed. In developing these things, our character becomes proven. We learn to stand on faith and continue unwaveringly, with that foundation, in all circumstances. Within the framework of life, we learn to act with various virtues and characteristics such as generosity and thoughtfulness, knowing that there are more important things than the avoidance of pain.<br />
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Proven character produces hope. We develop a certainty within our faith, knowing we can endure. A certainty in hope, in that which is not seen but which we know is there - in God, who is unshakable in all circumstances. This hope does not disappoint for God Himself does not disappoint and pours Himself, by way of the Holy Spirit, into our hearts and into our lives, being intimately involved in our lives as we lean on Him.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-71501092460326156252020-03-11T09:34:00.003-05:002020-04-22T18:44:23.818-05:00Beginning Again... AgainThe nature of my life is such that it does not allow me to sit and write with any regularity, yet writing is something that gives me joy. I keep trying to come back to it. I find, right now, that I am a bit out of practice - but I cannot get back into practice without practicing, right?<br />
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So, here I go, albeit imperfectly and without trying my hand at a finished product or anywhere near there. I will be publishing rough here, and I will make no apologies for it. I am what I am right now, and what I am is tired and harried.<br />
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Last week, I gave a talk at a church about my experience with anxiety, depression, and fatigue. It was my first talk... perhaps ever. I was surprised how well received it was. I fell blessed to have been able to share several things in that talk. Many, many things have been on my mind, and I have been impatiently waiting to put them out there. My talk was no where near perfect; I read a rough draft to those gathered, having been sick for about 5 days leading up to giving the talk and unable to edit or memorize my talk. I think, though, that many people were as excited to hear it as I was to share it.<br />
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I am simply going to start here by copying and pasting the (roughed out) beginning of my talk. I am too tired to try to rewrite it or edit it, and why reinvent the wheel? Even if the wheel is a bit wobbly, it still works. Here is it:<br />
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;">We have all
experienced <b>difficulties in life</b>: trials, temptations, crosses of all
kinds. Some are big, some are smaller – or appear smaller. Some are obvious,
some are more personal. Some last a relatively short time, some last years or
even a lifetime. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Our crosses,
especially the bigger or longer-lasting ones, have the ability to <b>make or
break us</b>. We all know people whose lives have fallen apart and who have not
recovered following a divorce, the death of a child, or another tragedy, or
have become depressed and have continued to sink further and further into
apathy. But we also know people who have faced difficult circumstances and have
risen to the occasion. Though they suffered, it brought out something admirable
in them – a joy or a generosity, a strength that perhaps appears superhuman.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The very
same things that threaten to tear us down – and that may tear us down for a
while – can also be the same occasions by which we are built up. What is it
that makes the difference? What is the main ingredient? I believe, in the cases
where a person is truly built up, where a person truly becomes more than they
were before, the primary ingredient is <b>a persistent turning to God and a
perseverance, in faith, in moving through the trial, following Him. </b>Falling
and sinking at times but reaching our hand out to Him again when we do, being
pulled back up and continuing to walk, our eyes on Jesus.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Anxiety
and depression</span></b><span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> are
becoming hot topics recently as people are opening up about having them and as
suicide rates are increasing. Problems such as this as well as other similar
trials seem to be becoming more and more commonplace or seem to be more
consequential. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, and other things affect every
aspect of our lives, including how we react and interact with people and how
well and how efficiently we get things done, affecting motivation, happiness
and contentment, frustration and irritability. They are mostly interior
crosses, that a person may feel they should not be carrying. They may blame
themselves or believe they should be able to just “snap out of it,” seeing
that, often, there is nothing really wrong in their lives and no apparent reason
that they are feeling that way. A person finds it difficult to understand why
they are feeling the way they do and even more difficult to explain to others,
often preferring to remain quiet about it and suffer silently. It is easy, when
depressed or anxious, to sink inward, and it is natural to focus on the pain
and suffering within. It seems impossible to escape it, and a person easily
begins feeling hopelessness settle in.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;">These things
also can stem from many different places, and there are usually multiple
factors, from difficult situations or other, more external, struggles, brain
chemistry and other physical variables, diet, environment, lack of sunlight,
lack of exercise, psychological factors or deep-seated beliefs, excess
worrying, stress, etc. These issues also take on many manifestations, from
physical to emotional, to behavioral, to spiritual, and often need to be
addressed in multiple different ways, with counseling and addressing
psychological wounds or triggers, addressing stress and reactions, sometimes
with medications, diet, exercise, sunlight, spiritual exercises and prayer.
Even if they address all these things and others, people don’t always find complete relief, which is frustrating and depressing in itself. And
depression and anxiety can last for many, many years or even a lifetime, or can
come back after years without it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I have</span><span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;">, personally, as far as I can tell,
had depression all my life. I had a difficult time in school, being both picked
on by classmates and absolutely ignored and discounted by people I considered
to be my friends. I was also born with hypothyroidism but started medication for
it right away. In college, I had circumstantial anxiety – usually around test
time or when a paper was due because I had put studying or writing off too
long. I started to have some fatigue and brain fog the summer after my first
year of college, but it wasn’t a big problem yet. I had some suicidal thoughts
during that time but never intended or tried to carry them out. Though those problems
grew over time, they didn’t cause any major issues until after our second child
was born. I had severe postpartum depression and anxiety as well as severe
insomnia. My mom would often take both boys for multiple days so that I could
rest and try to sleep. This grew into a chronic fatigue that was often debilitating
and kept me from being able to do things. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Though both
some anxiety and depression continued, I began to recover from the fatigue but
then took a couple strong medications for another condition and again developed
a severe anxiety and depression, including hallucinations, severe claustrophobia,
and tachycardia, as well as severe insomnia again. Brain fog and fatigue have
again increased drastically over the years as I continue to struggle with
anxiety, depression, insomnia and
other medical problems. I have addressed these issues with counseling, diet and
vitamins, exercise, medications, and other things. These things have helped in my recovery.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;">But what has
helped the most is <b>growing in my faith</b>. Though my faith has not cured
any of these issues, they – especially the anxiety and depression – have
decreased substantially over time and with prayer, and God has provided some
relief when I needed it the most as I pray and submit to Him. But more than
anything, God has given meaning to the cross I carry. He has provided a path to
walk and a direction and has walked that path with me. He has given me great
hope, peace, and joy and made me to know love in the midst of suffering.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;">That is what
I am here to talk about. I want to <b>share some of the many things God has
taught me</b> through my carrying my cross, which are also tools I use daily to
carry my cross and that provide meaning to that cross. I want to talk about how
I have learned to have joy in the midst of my suffering. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Joy in
the midst of suffering</span></b><span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> sounds paradoxical. Joy within sadness and difficulty. How does that
happen? It begins with a choice and with continuing to make that choice day
after day, moment after moment. It also involves God’s grace and love. For
depression and anxiety, it does not mean making a decision to “snap out of it,”
because snapping out of it is not possible for most people. But it is also not
a choice to wallow in it. It is not an avoidance of suffering, because avoiding
it, especially when it comes to anxiety, tends to make it worse. It is a
decision to enter into the suffering and into relationship with God through it
and thus to be transformed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Jesus came
to earth to teach us about God and to show us the love of the Father, to
forgive our sins and reconcile us to Himself, to be Love Incarnate. But I
believe He also came to earth <b>to sanctify suffering</b>. Suffering entered
this world with the Fall, with Adam and Eve’s sin. Suffering was a part of this
world from that time on and continues to be a part of this world. Jesus did not
take away our suffering but rather chose to suffer with us. Like with His
Baptism, where He did not need to be baptized but was baptized in order to
sanctify Baptism and the Baptismal waters, part of the reason for His suffering
and death was to sanctify suffering. God brings good out of all things,
including our crosses and difficulties. Some of His greatest gifts come out of
our crosses. And, more importantly, we are able to find Him within those
crosses and that suffering. We are able to enter into a communion and a deep
relationship with Him, to walk with Him, yoked to Him, to grow in holiness.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-size: small;">I want to - from here - share some of the things I have learned through persevering through anxiety, depression, brain fog, insomnia, etc. My goal here is to begin again to share, not to sound perfect. I am hoping many will read, but I also want to get these ideas down for myself. </span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-88278232119997282322019-07-17T11:13:00.000-05:002019-07-17T11:13:58.546-05:00The Occasion for VictoryOh, this pain again. This agitation. Why must it come back so easily? And where did it come from? My heart aches. I feel on edge. Anxiety is beginning again.<br />
<br />
Was it my child's behavior? Or my wandering mind that seems to be trying to settle somewhere I'd prefer it not go? Is it my lack of prayer time lately? My feelings of inadequacy? Is it that thing I said a few nights ago to my friend? Something feels to be out of sorts. Oh, why must I be so sensitive?<br />
<br />
I have said so many times, "I'm tired of trying so hard. I'm tired of fighting." Why must it be so hard?<br />
<br />
In confession once, I confessed that I try too hard, that I don't just let things be. The priest who heard my confession, a wonderful priest, said to me, "Don't stop trying. The saints are the ones who kept on trying."<br />
<br />
This is my cross, an invisible cross to most, but my path to sanctity, my path to Heaven.<br />
<br />
We have been reading a book by Fr. Jean C. J. D'Elbee, <i>I Believe in Love, </i>in my women's book club. It is an absolutely beautiful book. I could write perhaps a thousand posts on this book; I will begin with one. About halfway through this book, Fr. D'Elbee said something that helped me to better appreciate this gift: "I assure you that I like a hundred times better those sensitive natures who suffer profoundly, who feel the stings, who react strongly, who kick, than the soft, indifferent, passive natures from whom everything slides off without penetrating. I prefer the former, on the condition that their reactions are occasions of victory for them, that they profit from them to unite themselves more closely to Jesus and to give Him the proof that it is Him they love, repudiating what displeases Him. The occasion for struggle is the occasion for victory. We do not have to yield deliberately, and, with the grace of God, we can always overcome" (p. 153).<br />
<br />
That is me: a sensitive nature who suffers profoundly in situations others may not even notice, in situations they may let "slide off without penetrating." Yes, I feel the stings, I react strongly, and I even kick - figuratively speaking anyway. Oh, how tiring it is! And how much easier life would be if that was not my nature!<br />
<br />
However, that is not the end of the story. I may lie down in defeat and despair at times - I have done that more times than I can count - but, even when I do, I get back up. One thing I have learned is that it is truly <i>only</i> by God's grace that I can stay on my feet or rise again after a fall. It is only by remaining close to Him that I have peace. Simple events or thoughts will bring me down easily - perceptions I have of events in life, memories of the past or of things I have done or said - even those no one else noticed or thought anything of, my children's behavior wearing me down, lack of sleep or feeling fatigued or stressed, among countless other things. <br />
<br />
What I have noticed is that when these things steal my peace, it is because they are drawing my eyes away from God and onto more worldly concerns or onto myself. There are things I need to take care of or address - my children, for example, as well as any misbehaviors on their part - but I can learn to do so with my eyes and attention remaining on God and with trust and confidence firmly in Him.<br />
<br />
Once in a state of either despair or anxiety, it is very tough to climb back out. It takes God's grace to pull me out, as well as a decision on my part that I do want to get out, and often some time. But I notice again and again that the closer I remain to God, the more quickly I am pulled out and the better I am able to maintain my peace afterward. Not only that, but the joy of being pulled out along with the concurrent deepening of my faith and strengthening of my relationship with God, I would venture to say, actually makes the fall worthwhile. This is something I have experienced again and again, not that I want to fall in order to experience the rising but that God brings good out of any fall when I ask for His help and invite Him to do so.<br />
<br />
This is true for us all: our suffering and our crosses do not need to be the last word. They can be occasions of victory for us, allowing opportunities for us to deepen our faith and unite ourselves more closely with Jesus, growing also in love with Him and demonstrating that love for Him. "The occasion for struggle is the occasion for victory," says Fr. D'Elbee. "We do not have to yield deliberately, and, with the grace of God, we can always overcome."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-47100319597330625912019-07-12T13:46:00.000-05:002019-07-13T11:44:44.516-05:00Faith, Good Works, or... GraceMy family and I went to Lifest yesterday. Lifest is a Christian music celebration - a "party with a purpose" as they say of themselves. Bob Lenz, the guy in charge, was up on stage speaking between shows, showing off a new t-shirt design that they are selling. BGTF, it says - by grace through faith.<br />
<br />
I have thought a lot about this idea of being saved by faith vs being saved by good works. Now, let's get one thing straight right off the bat. Protestants tend to think that Catholics actually believe we are saved by good works, and we Catholics get a lot of flack for that. But a Catholic that actually understands his or her faith understands that, while God does indeed care about our decisions and does indeed care about how we treat others and about what we do "for the least of [His] brothers," we are not "saved" by our good works.<br />
<br />
I am onboard with this idea - no, this truth - that we are saved by grace. Let's examine this.<br />
<br />
First of all, faith: are we "saved by faith?" If I walk to our dining area and say to my dining room table, I have faith in you. Heal me, or better yet, redeem me. Will the table do that? Or the tree in my backyard? Or, let's look at something with a soul. Will my husband do that for me? Will he redeem me? No? But I have faith! I can put all the faith I can muster into them, but they will not save me. Nor will my making an act of faith in them redeem me. But if I turn to Jesus and say the same thing, is He able to heal or redeem me? Yes! What is the difference? Jesus is God! He has the power to heal me, to redeem me, to save me. What do we call that power? Grace! We are "saved by grace!" Without the grace, even with all the faith we have, we cannot be redeemed.<br />
<br />
Faith, however, does have an important role to play. Jesus has given us free will. He will not force Himself, His healing power, or His redemption upon us. No, He waits on us. He limits Himself, who is limitless, to waiting for our act of faith. "Your faith has made you well," he told many whom He healed as He walked the earth. As we have seen, it was not their faith, but His grace and power, that healed them; however, their faith can be said to have allowed or invited God to exercise that power. Without that faith, God would not have acted. An act of faith invites God to act, whether in our own lives or in another person's life. An act of faith invites God Himself into our lives and into our hearts that He may be present to us.<br />
<br />
So, what of good works then? My answer will depend on the definition of "good works." If one speaks of good works in terms of the Jewish Law, we have to be careful. While Jesus says, "I have not come to abolish the law but to fulfill it," much of the old law does not apply to us. We are still held to the 10 Commandments, but we are not held to all the ceremonial washings, for example. Yet, though held to them, we are offered forgiveness when we do not fulfill the Commandments. A Catholic who understands his or her faith believes, just as a Protestant who understands his or her faith believes, that God desires and welcomes us, loves us deeply, no matter what we have done. He wants us to come to Him just as we are. He wants to wrap His arms, His very being around us, right now and forever.<br />
<br />
But if we want to speak of good works in terms of love, then we really have something to talk about. This idea is very different from the "good works" of the Pharisees, who believed that following the Jewish Law and precepts would be their salvation. Those "good works" of the Pharisees are the same good works that St. Paul condemns in his letters. No, let's speak of love instead. St. Paul says, "These three remain: faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love." And he tells us, "...if I have faith that can move mountains but have not love, I am nothing." Clearly, love is important and is even more important than faith. True love, however, is best born of faith and grows out of faith and hope. There is an important relationship there, and the three work closely together.<br />
<br />
Then, what is love? Love in the Bible is often translated "charity." This kind of love, charity, is not specifically giving money to the poor, though it certainly can take that form at times. Charity, love, is making a gift of oneself, a sacrifice of sorts, not unlike Jesus' sacrifice of love on the cross. We are called to offer this sort of love. We are not left off the hook, no matter how much faith we have (though we are always welcome to turn to God in a spirit of repentance when we do not love as we are called to do, and He will always forgive and welcome us back).<br />
<br />
In fact, Jesus links this sort of charity to our being welcomed into eternal life. "Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father. Inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world, for I was hungry and you gave me food, thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me.... Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me'" (Matthew 25:34-35,40). He directly links our charity and love for our fellow humans to love for Him. It is not simply about doing good and being good people but doing good out of love for Jesus. Our love is a response to His sacrifice, a faith called to action, and a demonstration of that faith. For us Christians, this sort of charity is not optional. God very clearly states its importance and its necessity for entering eternal life. <br />
<br />
Both faith and love are necessary and work closely together. One cannot separate true faith from true love. <br />
<br />
Despite this, neither our faith nor our love - even our faith in and love for Jesus Himself - will get us into eternal life. They will not redeem us. As with any act of faith, an act of love or any action on our part at all has no power over death. It is God alone - His power and His grace working through His sacrifice - that has power over death and true power to save us.<br />
<br />
I was tempted to buy one of these t-shirts at Lifest yesterday. If the t-shirt had read BGTFAL - by grace through faith and love, I think you would have seen me sporting a new t-shirt today.<br />
<br />
<br />Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-60399981102262839382019-04-18T12:08:00.000-05:002019-07-01T13:29:26.400-05:00The Gift of FatigueThe fall and early winter were difficult for me. I felt like I was losing my mind - quite literally. At 39 years old, I should not be feeling like I am developing dementia.<br />
<br />
A heaviness was constantly sitting on my brain that felt as if it was compressing it or pulling it down somehow, accompanied by brain fog that made it difficult to find or sort through anything up there. A combination of emptiness and confusion predominated any thoughts I tried to assemble, and my memory was sporadic at best. I found it easier to simply not think.<br />
<br />
It is frustrating to not have control over your own mind, to know there is something up there but to not be able to access it. And it is difficult to function - to be a wife, to parent children, and to run a house in my case - without use of your mental facilities. Not to mention feeling trapped in your own body and feeling as if you have lost a part of who you are.<br />
<br />
Yet, my prayer was, "Lord, take this from me. Help me to feel better and think more clearly... but NOT YET."<br />
<br />
Not yet? Am I crazy? Lord, let me feel like this a while longer. Don't take this cross from me yet. Why?<br />
<br />
Well, you see, there are blessings in the crosses, and, though I could not understand many other things, I could understand this.<br />
<br />
As I had mentioned in my <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1942684510835353360#editor/target=post;postID=8437084566082112524;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=2;src=postname" target="_blank">last blog post</a>, God had clearly asked me to quiet my mind and tune in to Him. My mind has often tended to move from one thought to another, to another, to another, analyzing and thinking, landing too often on things I don't care to think about. Even when not moving quite so quickly, it was scarcely at rest. The quiet was a blessing.<br />
<br />
Because of the heaviness and fog in my brain, I was able to quiet my thoughts and sit with God. I was forced, in a way, to just BE. I wrote in my notebook at that time, "I am forced to let go. I cannot
hold onto things or think too much about things because it wears me out.
It's practically a necessary surrender." <br />
<br />
Quiet and peace do not come naturally to us, especially in our current state where our bodies are running one direction and our minds another. We're bombarded with information and with tasks to check off our to-do list. When we sit, we feel guilty that we aren't DOING something and our minds rush to those things that are left undone until we finally get up to do them and likely find something else also undone on the way.<br />
<br />
It can also be difficult for us to simply accept the way things are. We tend to want to improve upon ourselves and our lives, to fix what we see as broken and to complete what we see as incomplete. We have so much at our finger tips and can do much to quickly get items we need or to find a solution to what ails us. It is difficult to settle on what is and easy to search for more.<br />
<br />
"Quiet your mind and tune in to Me." Our very lives distract us from God and from the deep life He is calling us to. These tasks distract us from hearing His voice and hearing Him speak to us. Letting go of those things and quieting our minds can be a monumental task but is so necessary if we are to tune in to Him.<br />
<br />
Sometimes we need something that will slow us down or stop us in our tracks and force us to gain perspective, that will make us quiet our racing minds. Whether it be a cancer diagnosis, a death of a child, a loss of a job, or exhaustion, sometimes we need those times. After all, what is more important? Getting everything done and keeping everything together and functioning, or hearing God speaking and directing our lives?<br />
<br />
We all know the famous Bible story of Martha and Mary found in Luke's Gospel. Jesus comes to visit his beloved friends in Bethany, and Martha is running around preparing everything for Jesus' visit. Mary, however, sits at Jesus' feet and listens to Him speak. When Martha asks Jesus to tell her sister to help her, He replies with, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her."<br />
<br />
We tend to focus on Martha's busy-ness and her running around, as compared with Mary's sitting at the Lord's feet. It is indeed essential to find some time to set aside work and to spend in quiet prayer with Jesus. And that is critical if we are to learn quiet our minds to listen to Him.<br />
<br />
However, I want to draw our attention to two words: worried and distracted. It was not so much what Martha was doing with her body that was the issue. It was what was happening in her brain. She was allowing herself to worry about many things and to be distracted from what is the most important and better part; our Lord, our God, was sitting in her home, speaking. <br />
<br />
Things do need to be done. In this case, dinner must be made; Jesus would need something to eat. But these things that need to be done should not take away from our relationship with and awareness of Jesus in our lives. It is a matter of remembering what is most important. At the time, it may seem as if dinner is more important; however, God is always more important. We cannot let our tasks or our worries distract us from hearing His voice and hearing Him speak to us, even as we continue to complete the tasks.<br />
<br />
Sometimes we also need to distinguish between those things that do need attention, such as dinner, and those things that don't need so much attention or even that we can let go of. Some of Martha's preparations were likely necessary and some probably seemed much more important than they actually were, but she was driven by worry and by a need to have everything just right (as well as by Jewish law most likely). If we learn to let go of our worry over everything being just right and learn to let go of things that don't truly need to be done, we can have more time and more energy to focus on God.<br />
<br />
We are called to pray without ceasing (1 Thes. 5:17; cf also Luke 18:1, 21:36). Is that not what He is asking of us today also? To learn to quiet our minds and tune into Him. Like Martha, we are often worried and distracted. Like I had been, our minds often move from one thing to another, to another, as we analyze and think. We are so distracted from what is important, from the best part. We are distracted by the one thing that is truly needed: hearing God's voice and listening to Him.<br />
<br />
How do we pray without ceasing? There are two important steps. One: we learn to quiet our minds. My time in which I could barely keep a thought in my head helped me to learn to quiet my mind. I am now discovering mindfulness from a Catholic perspective. Mindfulness helps us to quiet our minds and be rooted in the present moment. This type of mindfulness not only does that but also helps us to also be rooted in God in the present moment.<br />
<br />
The second step is to be aware of God's presence at all times throughout our day, praying when appropriate through the day and spending some amount of time, daily, in quiet prayer. This awareness of His presence does not mean that we are neglecting our responsibilities nor the people in our lives. We are not sitting in quiet prayer all day long. We are not necessarily even holding a constant conversation with God all day, though that does naturally happen at points during the day. We are simply aware of His presence in the little and big things that happen as we move through the day. We are aware of God in the gifts He gives us as well as His grace and His presence as we experience trials and difficulties. <br />
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Let us join Mary and choose the better part. Let us begin today to learn to quiet our minds, to let go of worries and distractions (in future posts, I will share more specific ways to learn to do that). Let us learn to tune in to God and be aware of His presence throughout each day.<br />
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<br />Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-84370845660821125242018-11-09T16:47:00.000-06:002018-11-13T12:17:20.771-06:00ObedienceI had been hoping things would look different right now. I was hoping I would be feeling great, home life would be going relatively smoothly, and I would be writing.<br />
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But God has said, "Not yet."<br />
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At first, His "not yet" was in the form of a gentle nudge. A whisper while praying in church: "Take some time to quiet your mind and tune in to Me."<br />
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Yes, I knew what that meant. It included many things, including waiting on starting any sort of writing. It also meant rest, and it meant moving through some things that have been challenging for me.<br />
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But within a week my own ambitions took over. I WANT TO WRITE! Never do I feel more alive or more energetic than when I am writing, and rarely do I feel so close to God. A friend also lent me a book - a book that absolutely spoke to me on many levels, but especially on writing with little ones in tow - <a href="http://jenniferfulwiler.com/one-beautiful-dream/" target="_blank"><i>One Beautiful Dream</i></a> by Jennifer Fulwiler. She details her writing a book with four, then five, then six kids. Reading her writing journey added to my excitement, and my confidence, in starting my own. But God again said, "Not yet! Wait on me." Jennifer's notes on the natural pauses that occurred in her writing due to birth and motherhood and their blessings on her writing, allowing her to gain a new perspective and seeing her ideas growing "richer and fuller," did add to my willingness to put my own writing on pause. Still, my mind has been greatly on writing.<br />
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But God knew early on - perhaps because He knows me so well - that he'd have to hit me over the head rather than nudge me. Still, it was nice of Him to give me a chance to listen first.<br />
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A chronic tiredness that I have has grown into an absolute fatigue, such that I have most often been unable to think straight. A heaviness has hung over my head, and I have been convinced that I am developing something similar to dementia. And I have been unable to write. Literally unable.<br />
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Today, after dropping the kids off at school, I stepped into church and knelt to pray for five minutes, my head cloudy and heavy. "Lord, I give you my fatigue. I give you my writing. I give you everything standing in the way of my coming to You."<br />
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On the way home, I listened to a talk and then turned on Christian music when the talk was over. Two complementary messages floated through the van and to my ears, drifting into my brain and opening my eyes. I have things I need to work on before I can take on writing, things that are fundamental to my life and my motherhood. And I can see it now, these same things are fundamental to my writing as well.<br />
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My mind is more clear now than it has been for I, literally, can't remember how long. Not clear, mind you, but more clear. His call to take some quiet time and tune into Him is still as relevant as it was when He first spoke it to me. Among other things, I need to recover.<br />
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Now is not the time for writing. I am not ready yet. Ok, Lord, I accept it (but please give me the grace to accept it more, because... well, you know me).<br />
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I tell my kids often, such as after they stand up while eating and fall off the chair, "I tell you things for a reason. You would be smart to listen."<br />
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Doesn't God say the same to us? "I have a reason for what I do and for what I instruct you to do. You would be wise to listen to Me." I would have been better off it have been obedient in the first place.<br />
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A priest I went to for spiritual direction some years ago would talk about the "opportune time," a concept we are familiar with under the words "appointed time." It is the idea that God has a time for everything and that He, not we, knows when that time is, when these gifts He wishes to give to us are best given, when His plans will be best fulfilled. Meanwhile, He works to bring about the situations in which those gifts and those plans can be given and fulfilled. He is not stingy but rather wants to give and fulfill at the best, or opportune, time when they will have their full effect and be best received.<br />
<br />
Now is not the opportune time for my writing. But I trust someday it will be. I hope it will be soon.<br />
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And so I am left now with a call to obedience, to rest, and to personal growth, and I am left to waiting, and to hope. Hope that God is preparing me to write in the way that He desires me to write and that the waiting and the pause will be fruitful. Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-68216433110791134672018-10-26T12:06:00.002-05:002018-10-29T21:10:42.890-05:00I've Got ThisThere it is again. That voice that's telling me I am a failure as a parent.<br />
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Her temper tantrum - my fault. The way he is talking to his sister - my fault. Somehow, if I had done a better job these last thirteen years, my kids would not have the behaviors and difficulties they have.<br />
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I am not a natural parent. My mom was - or so it seemed to me as a child, and still seems to me now as watch her as a grandma. I am not my mom.<br />
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Getting down on the floor to play is not me. I don't like to dance to kids music. I am too serious. And I yell. I try not to, but it builds up, and eventually it comes out. I am not the perfect parent that I want to be, nor will I ever be no matter how hard I try.<br />
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But I have always done my best, even when my best was not pretty. I have carried some baggage into my motherhood journey. I have struggled through it, working on being a better mother all the while.<br />
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By God's grace, I am growing into motherhood. It is becoming more natural, though not enough to call it second nature. Many of the struggles I did have that were so strong earlier have less grip on me now. I am learning to bring my own unique talents into it.<br />
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It is easy to say that the struggles we have as a family and the struggles my kids have are my fault. But that is only placing blame, searching for a reason for all the things I deem to be deficits in my kids' behavior and in our family culture. The truth is that all people struggle. My kids would not be perfect if I were somehow the perfect mother. They are human. Our family culture would not be perfect either.<br />
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And it has been good for them to see me move through my struggles, to see me leave in the evenings to spend an hour or two at church, to hear me apologize when I yell again, to hear me tell them that I love them no matter how they act - and no matter how I act. It is good for them to see that I have not and will not give up. They will also have struggles as they grow older, and I hope I have given them a good model as to how to move through them and how to look and reach for God all the while.<br />
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I also hope that the love that I have poured out on them (including the tough-love type), the sacrifices I have made for them (even when done reluctantly), and the things I have done with them (even if that does not typically include dancing to kids songs) has lifted them up as well. I do also see evidence that this is the case.<br />
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We are a family, a beautiful family that God put together and designed as He desired. What my kids do certainly affects me - both in positive and negative ways. What I do does affect them as well - both in positive and negative ways.<br />
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As I look at my family - my kids, my husband, and myself - I know we are in a good place. On some days, it does not appear that way, but the truth is that we are. We are right where God wants us to be, and He is continuing to work through us. I do not need to worry. I do not need to stress or analyze why my daughter acts in this way or my son in that way. I need to love them and myself through it. I need to look to God to provide and to lead, and I need to trust that He has this. And because of Him, I have this too.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-57057252624521216382018-10-25T18:38:00.003-05:002018-10-27T10:56:50.832-05:00You Make up for Where I Lack, My God<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Oh, Lord,
please make up for where I lack.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">How that
prayer feels like a constant companion of mine through my days raising my five,
children. It is a constant companion, especially, on those days when I struggle
the most, whether with impatience, fatigue, or general irritability. It is a
constant companion when I see how much I have to accomplish and how little of
me there is to go around, when I feel as if I have bitten off more than I can
chew.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Motherhood
has a way of bringing out our insufficiencies and making them known. We are imperfect
human beings, in charge of raising children into competent and loving adults. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Yet, how can
I teach them to be competent when I myself am not always so competent? How can
I teach them to be loving when I act impatient and frustrated? Our faults surface
too easily on some days and threaten to unravel all the good we have done and
the patience we have shown with such painstaking effort.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">There are
days when I am absolutely convinced that, if the raising of my children was
left up to me alone, I would surely fail at this task. Luckily, it is not all
up to me. I must play a part. But these children of mine are ultimately not
mine at all. And those things that I have been commissioned to do as they grow
are not for me to do alone. Of course, my husband shares the responsibility and
the raising of these children. But, ultimately, these children are God’s
children, and they are in His capable hands.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">He knows I
am insufficient and chose to put these very children in my hands anyway. Why?
Because He is also here and is also raising these children that He shares with
me. Because He knows that He can make up for my insufficiencies. And how I need
Him to do that! And how He does do that!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I look at my
children. Oh, they are not perfect. They do their share of bickering and even
fighting with each other. They don’t always listen to or obey their dad or I as
they should. But I also see great love in them and great generosity with each
other. As the older kids serve the younger ones breakfast or the younger ones
pick up something the older ones had dropped, as they sit on the couch or floor
together listening to a story or watching a movie, I know God’s hand has
touched them and is guiding them. I know my husband and I are not alone in the
raising of these little ones. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">And
sometimes I notice how, not only am I raising them and looking to God to help
me shape them into competent and loving people, but also how God is using them
to also shape me into a more competent and loving person. God’s plan for
putting these children in my life is not only for their sake but for mine as
well. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Parenting
not only brings out my faults and insufficiencies but also provides a crucible
and a refining fire to purify me from those very faults and insufficiencies. It
can hurt, severely even, and be quite trying, but God is using those trying
moments to shape me into someone who is better than I otherwise would be. He
uses those very moments that threaten to unravel me to instead build me up and
create a heart that is beautifully dependent on Him. He uses those
circumstances to create greater patience and deeper love. Like my own children,
I am also God’s child and am in His loving and capable hands. I am also being
led and shaped by Him.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Lord, thank
You. Please continue to make up for where I lack.”</span></div>
Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-47236772019517493862018-10-20T11:12:00.000-05:002018-10-20T11:12:07.029-05:003 years, 6 months, 26 days. That's how long it has been since I posted.<br />
<br />
And I have to be honest, I wasn't sure if I would be back. I have been trying to write, though not here.<br />
<br />
In this most recent season of life, two beautiful children - both girls - have been born into our family. I have, fatigued, sent the boys back to public school for a year and have then taken them back out to homeschool another year only to become fatigued again. It was a blessed and successful year, but I left that year wondering if I will ever homeschool again. That era of my life may be over, but, rather than being upset, I am grateful for the time having homeschooled and at peace with moving onto another chapter.<br />
<br />
This time, rather than sending the kids back to public school, we are sending two of the middle children to a small Catholic school, and the oldest is home but taking online, live classes through another Catholic school. To delegate that portion of the responsibility of teaching my children to people I can trust to teach them our faith as well as information and skills they will need is, in my fatigued state, a great relief.<br />
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And so I enter into a period of life in which I am learning to just be with my three-year-old and baby, am having time to develop a good big-kid relationship with my just-turned-teen son, and am supporting and loving my two middle kids through their school experience. But, above all, I am striving to quiet my mind and tune in to God. That is not an easy task.<br />
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I am hoping also to pick writing up again. I feel God is saying, "Not yet," to the more serious writing that I would like to get back to. "Take some time to open your ears to Me and to just be first." My mind is, as of yet, too fatigued for the kind of work I want to take on anyway. But I hope to reestablish my blog and take it to a deeper level in the meantime. To anyone who has joined me in the past and to those who have just stumbled upon my blog, I would love for you to join me in this journey and to share your journey with me.<br />
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May God always bless you on your own journey,<br />
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KimKimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-17037146929365141682015-03-24T07:43:00.001-05:002015-03-24T07:45:36.870-05:00Update - over 2 years laterMy goodness, it's been a long time since I've posted. I realized again, when a friend of mine started reading through my posts, that it has been over 2 YEARS since I last posted! I thought I'd write a brief update in case anyone still has my blog on their follow list or in case anyone happens to stop by. As I looked over my blog list, it seems many of those I had been following are still writing. If any of those people stop by, let me tell you, I admire you for it! And I hope to catch up soon on much of what you've been up to!<br />
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I'll have to update my picture also. Our kids have grown, as kids do, and two children are not even in the picture. Blaise is 9 1/2, Isaac is 8, and Rose (our "baby") is almost 2. And - not that this would make the picture yet - we're expecting #4 in September!<br />
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So our family is growing, and, praise be to God, the other things I had been waiting for, sometimes patiently, other times not so patiently :p have come to fruition. Andy has a great job, is well respected at work, and is able to support our family on his income alone. I am, therefore, home with the kids full time. We have moved into a nicer, bigger home - not our dream home, but something we certainly are enjoying. I have even started homeschooling the boys; we started in January of 2014, and it is going well. <br />
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The waiting helps me to appreciate where we are better, though, of course, being home and homeschooling is not always easy, and some days I want to just get out of the house - but not back to work :).<br />
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I'm also doing some writing, though not on my blog. I was assuming, with all I have on my plate, that I would work on a book (if God even was calling me to that) after the kids were all older and more independent or out of the house. As is often the case, it seems God had other plans. In June, while Andy and I were praying the Rosary, writing a book was not on my mind. Yet, an outline for this book popped into my head suddenly. I wrote it down quickly when we had finished, and the outline has stuck. I have tried to add to it, but that adding to it only caused confusion and cause me to feel overwhelmed, and so, in prayer, I realized that the outline God gave me through Mary is the one He wants to to use. This, eventually, only served as a confirmation that what I already believed to be true was indeed true - God wants me to write now and is and will direct that writing. How exciting, and what a blessing! And, indeed, by His grace, the book is coming together. I'm only working on the outline so far, but it's been fun to see how it is falling into place. The book is, as anyone who has read my blog may guess, about the blessings of suffering, specifically depression and anxiety, and how God uses them to help us to grow and to draw us closer to Himself.<br />
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Isn't that how things happen when we put something in God's hands? In His own time, at the opportune time, He bring about amazing things! <br />
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I hope anyone who does stop by and takes the time to read this post is doing very well! I'm not sure, in all honesty, how often I will be updating my blog, but if anyone is interested, I will make an effort to update it periodically.<br />
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May God bless you always!Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-29203720181725149792013-02-07T12:05:00.000-06:002013-02-07T12:05:54.693-06:00Lessons I've Learned: Part 7I wrote a post last week about suffering being a gift and about choosing to fall on God's grace so that God may bring that gift to fulness as He desires it to be for us. I want to better spell a few things out in regards to this than I did last week.<br />
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Suffering is a gift in a few ways. For us personally, it is a gift in that it gives us reason to come to God, asking for His help and His Grace. It is too easy, when everything is going well, to set prayer aside and to let our relationship with God remain or become stagnant. Suffering can either be a reminder that we do indeed need God, or, for some, it can be a first step in a journey toward faith. Suffering is a vehicle by which God draws us, His beloved, to Himself.<br />
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Suffering is also a mode by which, after we ask for His help, God sends graces down upon us. Through suffering, He prepares our hearts, if we allow Him, to receive His graces: His love, peace, and joy and all that He desires to give us. It is through suffering that we are able to see the power of God at work in our lives, that we are able to experience His ability to turn a bad situation to good and to growth.<br />
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If everything in our lives would go smoothly and if everything was always easy, and if God would simply turn good into more good, we may take that good for granted, doubt God's power to create good, or not realize our need for God. We would not have such a chance to realize the depth of God's love for us or of His power. We would not be so inclined to draw so very close to Him and, thereby, to receive all of His gifts He wants to give us.<br />
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Suffering gives the opportunity for growth in faith and in virtues. By exercising our faith in God, our faith becomes stronger and deeper. We are likely to become more humble and more docile to God's will, among other things. Our concern for others and our charity is likely to grow, as is our desire to and ability to help others and compassionately support them in their suffering. As I wrote about also a couple weeks ago, our endurance, character, and our hope increases through suffering (cf. Romans 5:3-5).<br />
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We also have an opportunity in suffering to join our sufferings to that of Christ and to participate in His redemptive work. We are given the opportunity to allow the graces God pours out in the midst of suffering to be also used for a specific or general purpose by offering our sufferings up to God, in union with those of His Son, for a specified person or circumstance, or for general graces to be poured out on our family, church, or community. I hope to be able to write about this and explain it better in the future.<br />
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Regarding our response to suffering, we have a choice to allow ourselves to fall into frustration, anger, despair, worry, and discouragement or to fall on the grace of God. What I want to make clear is that the choice to fall onto God's grace is not a one-time decision, and it's not always an easy decision to make or carry out. We often must make a conscious decision to ask for God's help and to trust in His grace many times each day, especially on days that come with more challenges. The tendency to fall the other way will always be there as a part of our human condition, though the more often we make the decision to fall on God, the easier that decision becomes. Still, discouragement can pull us backwards, away from reliance on God, if we allow it to. It is easy, especially for someone who, like me, has a more melancholic personality, to see the more negative aspects of a situation and to see problems that need to be solved and to become focused on that. It can be very difficult to fight off that tendency in favor of a more optimistic attitude and of trusting that, with God's help, everything will work out well. When frustration and discouragement hit, this decision to fall onto God's grace must be a very conscious and prayerful one. And I frequently need to ask God's help to fall onto His grace and to hand over my problems in trust and in faith that He will indeed work through them. I also find I often need to sit quietly in prayer, handing over each problem and sitting with God for a while, before I am able to better let go and empty myself of the worry or frustration enough that God can fill me with His peace and grace. While making a decision to give problems over to God as I'm running out the door with a list in my hand is good, taking time in prayer to do so and to allow God to reach out and bless that decision is better and more effective.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-77045224769218733312013-01-30T12:08:00.000-06:002013-02-07T10:22:41.842-06:00Lessons I've Learned on my Journey through Depression and Anxiety: Part 6I want to expand on something I was writing in the <a href="http://fallingonhisgrace.blogspot.com/2012_01_01_archive.html#3249355624712418619" target="_blank">first part</a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1942684510835353360"> </a>of this series: the gift of suffering.<br />
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St. Teresa of Avila, it is said, complained to Jesus one day of multiple hardships she was suffering. To that, Jesus said to her, "Teresa, that's how I treat my friends." Teresa quickly answered, "No wonder You have so few friends."<br />
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God does allow us all to suffer hardships and challenges. It may not seem right that He does not protect those of us who are doing our best to follow in His Ways from such difficulties. It may not seem right that He does not treat His friends better or that He does allow "bad things to happen to good people." But there is a gift to be found through enduring hardships and challenges, a gift that God wants so very much to share with His friends. If life was always easy and we were able to just cruise through our days, we would miss out on that precious gift.<br />
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A friend of mine from college very recently lost her nearly-3-year-old daughter to a sudden illness. In the words of a mutual friend, "<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]">She is by far the nicest, most kind, unselfish, hardworking person I know." Why did this happen to her and her daughter, of all people? Yet, she is demonstrating the most amazing faith and grace during this difficult time. She is an inspiration to me in dealing with such a devastating blow, and I'm sure she is an inspiration to others as well. I'm also quite sure she will grow through this experience and that the experience will draw her family and herself even closer to God.</span></span></span><br />
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<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]">We hear on the news of natural disasters, whether it be tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes, fires, or earthquakes, as well as disasters inflicted by one human on others, such as school and theater shootings. What devastation. What heartache. Yet, in the midst of that, stories come out of people helping and comforting each other, of beautiful testaments to forgiveness and to faith, of courage, of generosity. And behind the scenes, people are growing in their generosity and charity, in their ability to survive and even thrive under difficult conditions, in their appreciation for what they do have and for the people who are with them, in their faith and hope in God. </span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><br /></span></span></span>
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]">I have been going through some old papers, trying to organize and pack for an eventual move. On reading through a few things I had written four, five, and six years ago, I am amazed at the growth I have gone through as a direct result of my move to a new, unknown town, my miscarriages, and my sudden anxiety. I am left absolutely awed and grateful for having had those experiences, for they have taught me a great deal. I have something now that I certainly did not have then. I have very distinct sense of the difference, but it is difficult to put words to it - faith, hope, peace, and joy are words I would use if I were to try to explain it. I can see more clearly the growth that has already happened and see that I am continuing on that path and that growth is continuing and will continue. Going through these many difficult moments and difficult years has been a challenge, and, for long stretches of time, I couldn't see the way to the end of the suffering; yet, looking back - and looking forward now - I can see that it has all been worthwhile. I wouldn't want to be back where I had been, but I certainly am grateful I was there.</span></span></span><br />
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<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><i>That</i> is how God treats His friends. Yes, we suffer. Everyone suffers - some more visably, some more internally. But it is what we do with that suffering that matters. If we give our suffering to Him, our suffering is <i>never</i> in vain. There is <i>always</i> good that comes from the difficulties we go through. <i>Always.</i> </span></span></span><br />
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<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]">God can see what is ahead of us and what He is doing in our lives so much more clearly than we can. He can see everything, while, if we're lucky, we can see the next one step we need to take. Often times, we are going through life completely blindly. But God knows the way, and He sees the end of our present suffering. He sees the glorious results of His grace working in us through that suffering.</span></span></span><br />
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<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]">I have believed with all my heart for some time that suffering brings with in an <i>opportunity</i> for growth, an opportunity to grow closer to God and to become a more faith-filled, more hopeful, more joyful person. Suffering presents an opportunity for God to work in our lives, to show us His power and love and the beauty of His plan. It gives us the reason to open our hearts and lives to Him - to realize our need and reliance on Him - and to surrender ourselves to His loving grace.</span></span></span><br />
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<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]">And if we take that opportunity and give ourselves over to Him, even in the midst of frustration, anger, resentment, despair, or anxiety, we will be amazed by what He does with us and in us. <i>That </i>is how God treats His friends. </span></span></span><br />
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<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]">Presented with suffering of any kind, we have the choice to allow ourselves to fall into frustration, anger, despair, or unneeded worry, or to fall onto the grace of God. If we do make the choice to fall on the grace of God, that doesn't guarantee we won't experience some of those negative emotions. But if we continue to make that choice, God will bring us through them, to the other side, better off than we had been before. If we allow ourselves to fall the other way, we will likely be caught up, instead, in those negative emotions and negative attitudes. </span></span></span><br />
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<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]">God will never force Himself on us; we must choose Him and choose His way. This is difficult when we can't see the end result. We must make the effort, again and again, to step out in faith, knowing that, though we can't see it, the end result will be something amazing - something better than we can imagine. God would have it no other way for us, His beloved. </span></span></span><br />
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<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]">God wants nothing less than for </span></span></span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[74].[1][2][1]{comment10152492725980249_39017476}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]">us to experience His amazing love, joy, and peace. He won't settle to give us any less than that. But the condition of our humanity, of our sin, is that we are blind to it - we are separated from it and from Him. From that standpoint, then, suffering of any kind, including anxiety and depression, is a <i>gift. </i>It's a gift that God uses to open our eyes, to bridge that separation, to induce us to reach out to Him in our need and to choose Him so that He can fill our hearts with His love, joy, and peace, so that He can draw us closer to Himself. That's what He has done and continues to do for me. That is what He is doing for my friend who recently lost her beautiful daughter. <i>That </i>is what He does for His friends. I am grateful and blessed, then, that He considers me to be a friend. </span></span></span>Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-90718217377685925712013-01-14T13:49:00.003-06:002013-01-22T19:10:36.883-06:00Lessons I've Learned in My Journey: Part 5If you are new to reading these posts, you can find part 1<a href="http://fallingonhisgrace.blogspot.com/2012_01_01_archive.html#3249355624712418619"> here</a>.<br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">A friend of mine, who also has anxiety, pointed out to me one day that she has noticed on many occasions that, just at the time that she thinks she is doing well, her anxiety returns full force. It was interesting to hear her say that because I had noticed that too with my anxiety, and, like her, I was frustrated with that fact. It gave me a sense that I was fighting a battle that could not be won. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">It was one of those things I had noticed but had not yet reflected on to any great degree. I had simply noticed that on occasions when I was praying with less intensity and with fewer expressions of my trust in God, the anxiety would begin to creep back in. In my prayers, I would express this frustration to God. "Why can't You just heal me?" I'd ask Him. "Why must I pray so intensely at all times in order for You to continue to give me this peace I long for? Why do You take it away so quickly if I let down at all?" I was finding it very difficult to maintain the level of prayer, both in terms of time and intensity, that seemed required to maintain the peace and continue the healing that God was giving to me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">As I began to reflect on that after talking with my friend, I do believe that was God reminding me of the need to pray without ceasing and to continuously dispose myself to His loving power. It is during those times that I am feeling better that I pray with less fervor, that I begin to try to stand on my own without His help, and it is then that a portion of my anxiety returns, causing me to once again realize my reliance on God and to pray with deep need. It is a difficult task, but a very worthwhile one, to continue on in prayer even when things are going well, constantly being mindful of His presence and His help.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">Jesus tells his disciples in Luke 18 a parable about a persistent widow who many times begged a judge in her town for a just decision in her case. The judge, at first unwilling to listen to her, did eventually listen due to her persistence. He says that God will hear our prayers much more speedily than the unjust judge but makes the point that we must "pray always without growing weary" (Luke 18:1). We are called to pray always and to remember that, no matter whether things are going well in our lives or going poorly, God is an integral part of all aspects of our lives and all situations in which we find ourselves. God doesn't want us to just ask once or twice and then leave Him alone. He wants us to ask Him for all we need, at all times, and never forget His presence or power at work in our lives.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">St. Paul also calls us to this unceasing prayer: "Do not grow slack in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord," he says. "Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer" (Rom 12:11-12). It is easy to grow complacent and to simply go through the motions of living. There is so much to do and take care of each day and so much to plan for and prepare for regarding the future. It is easy to get distracted from prayer or to put it off for minutes or days. Whether things are going well or not, it is difficult to constantly express trust and gratitude. And, in all honesty, constant prayer can be tiring.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">Yet we are called to rejoice, endure, persevere. I find it interesting that St. Paul places the word "rejoice" right there with the words "endure" and "persevere." And "hope" with the word "affliction." It seems out of place at first, but really he touches on one of the great mysteries of our faith. Affliction can lead us deeply into a beautiful, amazing hope. As we endure, through prayer, in affliction, we grow stronger in our faith and, by experience, know that we can, with God's grace, make it through anything. We know, even more, that God will carry us through anything. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">I have looked at those people with envy who seem to be happy in any circumstance, who express joy and hope no matter what worries or concerns they have, who have a special sparkle in their eyes. I can't say I am always joyful in all circumstances, but I do see God's hand helping me to remain hopeful in many various circumstances - as long as I persevere in prayer. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">I like how St. Paul puts it earlier in his letter to the Romans: "...we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us" (Romans 5:3-5). Affliction does indeed produce endurance when we rely on God's grace rather than falling into despair. Just as continuing to exercise through the point of initial fatigue strengthens our heart, lungs, and muscles so as to increase our cardiac and muscular endurance that over time we are able to exercise longer or more intensely, so does continuing to persevere in affliction and through prayer increase our endurance for continuing to persevere through other afflictions in the future and increase our faith that God will carry us through. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">We can see, then, how affliction and endurance produce proven character. In looking up the definition of the word character, there are references to moral and mental properties that are distinctive to an individual person (cf dictionary.com) and to the way in which a person acts on the morals, ethics, and values in which they believe. Endurance in affliction can have a strong effect on how a person learns to react to various situations and on their ability to act in a way that reflects their morals, ethics, and values. Practicing a skill helps us to improve in that specific skill, and practicing acting on our morals and on our faith strengthens our morals and faith so that they become a greater part of our character and thereby increase the strength of our character.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">And as we grow in strength of character and grow in faith, a growth in hope naturally follows. We feel stronger to face adversity and to face afflictions, and we see that we can thrive and grow in any circumstance, again by God's grace. Afflictions are not as strongly a source of despair but can actually become a source of joy as we work our way through them. As I have worked through particularly difficult times, I actually have found myself thanking God for the growth and lessons I know will come from those situations He allows in my life. Not that I don't wish I could learn and grow without these struggles, but I know they will be worthwhile in the end.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">St. Paul, in chapter 5, also refers other sources of hope: the love of God, the power of the Holy Spirit, and our reconciliation to God and salvation through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. In short, these gifts point to how important we are to our Father and to His Son, despite that we do not add in any way to His Glory, and remind us that He is always with us and has not left us to suffer on our own. He wishes to share in both our suffering and our joy. When Jesus ascended into Heaven, He did not simply leave His friends. Soon after, he sent His Holy Spirit to remain with his disciples and all those who follow Him. He promised that those who love Him would be with Him for eternity and opened the gates of Heaven for us, that we can always look forward to living fully in His peace, joy, and love after this life and experience hope in knowing that is our future. And for us Catholics, we know that He gave us His Body and Blood as a result of the sacrifice He made for us on the cross in order to be even more physically and tangibly with us throughout our lives.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">God wants so much for us to experience His hope and joy - to experience His love. Not only to know it intellectually and to be able to rattle off Bible passages or quote famous theologians but to experience that love that is spoken of in those sources. Affliction is one powerful way in which He reaches out to us and calls us to Himself. It is a powerful tool He is able to use to open our hearts so that He can fill them with His joy and love.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">To live with such hope as is simply gifted to us by God and as is produced within us through growth in the face of affliction is worth the effort we put toward the unceasing prayer we are called to. God's allowing me to return to a state of anxiety, to a state of relative suffering, so easily when I do not put forth that effort is actually a gift in that it is a reminder of the call to prayer and to trust. In prayer and in trust, this affliction and suffering does produce endurance, character, and eventually hope and even joy. In fact, as I conclude this reflection, I can't hide the smile that is growing on my face - a smile that is the direct result of this hope and joy that I would not know if it wasn't for the difficulties I have experienced and those I continue to experience. It's a direct result of God and His grace and love working directly in my life. And for that, I am grateful.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div>
</div>
</div>
Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-2168584735203034702013-01-03T10:00:00.002-06:002013-01-03T22:06:06.699-06:00Lessons Learned on My Journey through Anxiety and Depression: Part 4<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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It has been nearly two years now since the onset of my
anxiety. As I think over these last two years and see how much I have learned
and how much I have grown as well as how much I have suffered and continue, to
a much smaller degree, to suffer, I’m at the same time grateful for this
experience and filled with regret. I still am filled with questions of why? Why
did I have to go through this, and why do I still need to experience anxiety to
the level I still do? To some extent, I can answer these questions. My faith
has grown exponentially, as has my strength, my character, and my tolerance of
suffering. And I know there’s still growth that needs to happen. I am not there
yet. And, really, I don’t know if I’ll ever be “there.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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The primary thing I continue to suffer from, besides the
increasingly rare incidence of actual anxiety and the on edge feeling I more
often feel, are constant palpitations. I feel these palpitations most notably
as a strong pulse in my hands and in my head. If I stop to notice them during
the day, they are there. But they are most obvious when I lay down at night,
whether it’s because of my position or because I am finally still enough to
notice them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as my ear hits the
pillow, the palpitations sound through my head, and I feel them in my hands
resting on the pillow or blanket, and they often run through my body. While not
disabling and not of big concern to me, they are a nightly reminder of the
anxiety I have experienced and continue to experience since January 2011. They
keep the question at the forefront of my mind as to whether this anxiety and
these palpitations have been caused by a physiological change in my body or
whether they’re stress-related. And they remind me that I am not back to normal.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a physical therapist in an outpatient clinic, I would at
times treat clients with neck pain and related headaches. I would perform a
treatment called a suboccipital release in which I would put pressure with my
finger tips at the spot where the neck meets the skull. I would enjoy feeling
those muscles relax under the pressure of my fingers. The first indication of
this relaxation was typically a pulse – the patient’s pulse – beginning in that
area. I never grew tired of feeling that pulse and, every time, would tell the
patient I was working with that this pulse was beginning, and they would
typically notice a relaxation soon after that. But, after the anxiety started
and while I was still working in that clinic, the pulse in my own fingers was
too strong to be able to feel my clients’ pulse. I remember being irritated by
this, again not only because of the palpitations themselves but also because of
what they represented. I have no doubt that the palpitations would still affect
my work today if I were continuing in that role.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The anxiety and on edge feeling continue to affect me in
other ways. I still have my triggers such as the boys’ behavior and excess
clutter. I still find I can’t relax in certain situations like I have been able
to in the past. And at times, I am more irritable in normal situations as well.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yet, I’m hopeful. I know I am doing so much better than I
was even six months ago, and I really can’t even compare how I’m feeling now to
how I was feeling almost two years ago. And I believe I will continue to get
better.</div>
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I also strongly believe that every trial comes with the
opportunity to grow and that God, in His wisdom, uses all things to bring about
good if we trust in Him to do so. And so I am grateful for the opportunity to
continue to grow and eager to find out what it is God wants to teach me. I do
believe He is teaching me to be grateful even in the midst of continued
concerns and uncertainty. I believe He is teaching me to focus more on what He
has done in my life and what He has given me rather than on what I still do not
have. I believe He is teaching me patience – to know that He brings about what
He knows we need at the most appropriate time. </div>
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This obviously relates directly to my anxiety and
palpitations. I certainly am grateful that my anxiety has decreased to such a
large extent, despite continued palpitations. If I continue to feel the way I
do today for the rest of my life, I know I can live a wonderful, fulfilling
life and that the small amount of anxiety I continue to feel will not greatly impact
this. God has obviously been leading me through this journey and has not left
my side, and He is healing me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Based on
this, I know He will remain faithful to His promise to remain with me and to
bring about even more good in my life. But I know I cannot rush the process.
The best thing I can do is to continue to follow what I believe to be His
promptings, to stay hopeful, and to do the best I can each day.</div>
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I see these lessons taking shape in another way in my life
as well. Five and a half years ago, we moved to the town that we currently live
in. A three bedroom duplex was quite obviously placed in our laps. We had
planned on living in that duplex for 6 months to no more than a year before
buying a house and were sure to tell our landlord that. More than five years
later, we still live in the same duplex. While I badly want a playroom for the
boys, more counter space, and a dishwasher in addition to the three bedrooms
and two bathrooms we have, I know we do have what we really need and we will be
fine if we need to live in this house for several more years. Even if that
means squeezing 5 people into 1000 square feet of living space this coming May.
I know also that many people have less than we do. And so I’m trying to remain
grateful for this home we have been given and to focus more on what we do have
in this duplex rather than what we are lacking. It can be difficult to focus on
the positive when the negative seems to be so much more obvious.</div>
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In short, through these and other uncertainties, I am
learning that life is a journey. It’s not a journey of perfection, but it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is </i>a journey of goodness because God is
a part of it. Because of that, my disposition in this journey is not to be one
of worry and distress but one of trust and gratitude. There will undoubtedly be
times when I slip into the mode of worry and distress, when I am caught up in
the negative, but those times are nothing but reminders to renew my commitment to
express trust in God and gratitude for His leading me through this journey.
There will be times when the journey is more difficult or more frustrating, but
those are also reminders of how much I need God and how important it is to
follow Him. I have been through difficult times before and, with God’s help,
have made it through stronger and better than before. With God’s help, I know I
will make it through every new obstacle stronger and better than I am now.</div>
Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-76723053800755880172012-09-22T16:36:00.001-05:002020-03-19T18:34:12.992-05:00Lessons I've Learned on My Journey through Depression and Anxiety: Part 3I am an over-thinker, and analyzer, a worrier, a controller. I like to have a plan. I like to have things under control. I don't like the unknown. I will run over scenario after scenario in my head or look at site after site online for an answer. I don't like waiting for things to work themselves out. I have a very hard time quieting my mind. In the midst of five minutes of prayer, I will have to interrupt my thoughts many times to refocus on God.<br />
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It's not that I have any greatly pressing questions in my life, but the ones I do have weigh on me constantly. And the influence of many sources, including my own thoughts and beliefs, have taught me that I need to be always moving forward, toward my goals. Remaining stagnant is difficult for me to accept.<br />
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One thing on my mind is the hope of someday soon buying a house. We moved into the duplex we are currently in over five years ago, planning to live here less than a year. It is a great duplex as duplexes go, but the lack of counter space in the kitchen, lack of a dishwasher, and lack of a playroom are getting to me more and more each year. On our tight budget, we can't afford much in a house, and finding the right house in the right location for the right price is proving to be quite a challenge. As much as I'd like to, I can't just make that house appear and then be magically put on the market. My fear is that we'll never find that house and that we'll have to raise our growing sons and possibly a growing family in tight quarters (The duplex is just over 1000 square feet). I am, of course, trying to keep in mind how truly blessed we are to have a home.<br />
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But the thing that has been most heavily weighing on my mind recently, the one for which I feel the most helpless also, is the gift of a growing life God has recently planted within me. With the fact that my two most recent pregnancies ended quickly in miscarriage is of obvious concern as I enter into my eighth week of pregnancy (according to the doctors charts). I have been looking for any sign of what may be happening to the little child inside me. While, because this is a high risk pregnancy, I was blessed and reassured to hear the heartbeat two weeks ago via ultrasound, I have more recently been noticing the morning sickness that had seemed to be setting in a week ago has diminished greatly, and I did not notice the gag reflex this morning as I was brushing my teeth that I had begun to have . It is hard to not read into these signs and hard to be patient and wait for the answers and reassurance I want right now.<br />
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The challenge for me is to trust. I know and believe in my heart that God will provide in all these circumstances and that, even if things don't turn out the way I'd like, He has His hands in it all and has our best interest in mind.<br />
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What's the point, really, in trying to maintain control of any of this? The common thread between each of these circumstances is that I have very little control. I can do what I am able to: provide compassionate discipline and use daily life circumstances as teaching moments for my older son; provide coordination, fine motor, and proprioception exercises for my younger son; keep an eye out for new houses that come onto the market and look at any we're interested in; eat healthy, sleep, and take care of myself in order to promote a healthy pregnancy. But, in reality, God has much more control over all of this than I do.<br />
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I am, little by little, learning to let go of control in various circumstances. I have become less controlling over the cleanliness of my house. I have learned to trust the teachers my kids have at the school they are in - teachers I know care greatly for their students and who teach according to great morals despite the limitations within the public school system. And I am making gains in letting go of control in regards to the above issues also. But, despite trying to let go and leave the process up to God, I still find myself anxious about each of these issues. Jesus says many times, "Do not be afraid." I am trying to trust and am praying for the grace to trust, so why am I still afraid?<br />
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It seems to me that I not only need to let go of control and leave the process up to God, but I also need to generally detach myself from being so very vested in each circumstance and the outcomes of each. It's not that I don't care what happens to either of my boys or that I don't want a house or a newborn child, and it's not that I won't do what I can for my children. But I can't do what God does not will that I do, and if something is not a part of God's plan, it's better that that thing doesn't happen. At this point, I feel the call to detach myself emotionally from caring so deeply about both the process and the outcomes and to surrender myself completely into God's hands, leaving everything, including the process, the outcomes, and the timing, up to Him.<br />
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I picked up a small pamphlet at church yesterday, put together by the Christophers, entitled "Choosing Faith Over Fear." They quote Father Walter J. Ciszek, who had been imprisoned by the Russians during WWII and tortured for 23 years, from his book <i>He Leadeth Me</i>: "...God is in all things, sustains all things, directs all things. To discern this in every situation and circumstance, to see his will in all things, was to accept each circumstance and situation and let oneself be borne along in perfect confidence and trust. Nothing could separate me from him, because he was in all things. No danger could threaten me, no fear could shake me..." To "accept each circumstance and situation and let oneself be borne along in perfect confidence and trust" is this detachment I feel I am in need of. The faith he shows, the loving and trusting detachment he models. The result, he says, is that "no danger could threaten me, no fear could shake me." I may not be tortured at the hands of those who despise me, but I perceive my boys' behaviors and my lack of morning sickness as dangers. When I know a loving God is in all things, sustaining all things, and directing all things, as Fr. Ciszek says, why should I see myself as being in danger? Why should I fear, despite what circumstances may await me?<br />
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No, in the face of the unknown, in the face of those things that seem to threaten my future or the futures of those I love, I must trust God completely and totally. I must abandon myself and the things I want to His holy Will. I must let go of every reservation, knowing that He "is in all things, sustains all things, directs all things." Knowing that my life is simply an unfolding of the story He is writing in me.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-84273975138597996972012-06-01T14:06:00.001-05:002020-03-19T19:24:26.575-05:00Lessons Learned on My Journey Through Depression and Anxiety: Part 2<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal;">If you have not yet read part 1, you can find it </span><a href="http://fallingonhisgrace.blogspot.com/2012_01_01_archive.html#3249355624712418619" style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">here</a><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal;">.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Power of Prayer</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">One day, late winter of 2011, I put on a CD that I had not listened to in quite a while. As I listened to his words, sung as if God were singing the words to the listener, Michael John Poirier's voice poured through the living room to the kitchen sink where I was washing dishes: "Come close enough to hear me whisper; I am loving you back to life. Do not be worried or fearful. Please trust in me, please trust in me. I am promising you I will renew your heart, if you will only trust in me." I couldn't help it - I burst into tears. I ran into the living room and knelt down then fell onto the floor. I didn't realize how much I was hurting inside. I didn't realize before then just how angry I was with God. I just cried and shook, not knowing how to rid myself of this deep anger I felt. It seemed nothing would touch it. But I began to pray, harder than I had for some time, and the anger did eventually begin to slowly melt away, enough so that I could stop crying - or at least stop crying so hard. I don't remember the details, but I'm quite sure it did take some time - days, weeks - before the anger had substantially lessened. I hadn't realized how little I had been praying before then. I only realized as my crying was settling down how I had not been able to pray, how I had set up a wall between God and myself. That day, as I continued to listen to Michael John Poirier's words, a calm came over me, and I began to pray the words deeply. And it felt <i>great, </i>even in the midst of the frustrations that still hung around.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I was angry for two primary reasons: I didn't understand why God would permit me to have two miscarriages, one after another. And I didn't understand why He would allow me to experience such sudden, intense anxiety. And I was left with two unknowns which felt like two big holes in my life: I didn't know whether I would ever be able to have another child, and I didn't know if this anxiety I was feeling would ever subside. It didn't seem fair. And so I held onto this intense frustration and anger. I was also, at the time, looking online for any hint I could find as to why I had such anxiety, seemingly from taking an antibiotic. So I was trusting in my own ability<i> </i>(or inability it seemed) to reason through the causes of my symptoms. The words of that song cut right through all of that: "I am loving you back to life. Do not be worried or fearful... I will renew your heart, if you will only trust in Me."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">And so, though it was a process, I began to trust God again, and I began to pray again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Laying awake night after night, still anxiety-filled, unable to sleep, with a racing heart and my mind also unable to quiet, I would alternate between praying and trying to sleep. I would beg Mother Mary to ask Jesus to send His mercy down upon me and give me peace, or pray directly to Jesus, begging the same thing of Him. It was during those quiet nights, lying alone on the couch praying, that I felt deep peace wash over me, filling me. It was a peace I knew could only come from God. I had felt it in the past, on a small handful of occasions, while in prayer. But I knew that feeling, and it was so very comforting. I wanted desperately to stay in that state of peace forever, but well before the morning came, it was always gone.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I started, though, praying more and more often, laying on the couch, in bed, or on the floor next to my bed, or at times kneeling, begging for that peace. And many times when I would ask for it, God would again pour His peace into my heart. I do believe it was a healing peace, for as I experienced this peace again and again, I was also growing less anxious between these sessions, and would even have times, and eventually weeks, with little anxiety. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I had been put on a couple medications by that time: one an antidepressant and the other an anti-anxiety medication. Together, they seemed to take the edge off my anxiety but by no means cured it. Nothing gave me the deep peace that Jesus did during those times of prayer, and I knew that nothing else ever would. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I deeply longed for that peace, for that healing. And I learned to long for God. I learned I must depend on God for my healing. I believed God was telling me that healing would come from no other place but Him and that I must learn to trust in Him, not just in word, but to truly trust.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">In John 14:27, Jesus says, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hears be troubled or afraid." True peace, true love, true joy cannot be found in this world. If we focus only on what's around us, it is easy to worry, to grow afraid. Our minds will run away from us with thoughts of the worst case scenario, especially if we are prone to anxiety or depression. God cuts right through that. He cuts right through the hurt and the pain, the physical and emotional symptoms. He is the great healer and the great lover. Even for those without a tendency toward depression or anxiety, I am convinced that that peace that I was experiencing in prayer is deeper and more profound than any peace we can experience in any other way.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">A wonderful priest has told me on several occasions that modern medicine is a wonderful thing, and that health care professionals, including counselors, and our modern medications can do great things, but there is a ceiling or a limit to their ability to heal. The Holy Spirit has no ceiling; He has no limit to His ability to heal. If He wills that we be healed, and if we dispose ourselves to His power, we will indeed be healed. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I think of the leper from Luke's Gospel, chapter 5, who approached Jesus and, falling to Jesus' feet, said, "Lord, if you wish, you can make me clean." Jesus answered him, " I do will it. Be made clean" and healed him of his leprosy. I think of how that man, on one hand, had full trust in Jesus' ability to heal him and, on the other hand, placed himself fully under Jesus' will, permitting Jesus to act in the way He saw fit. And I think that is what we also must do. We must fully trust ourselves, without reservation, to Our Lord's healing power and also fully trust ourselves to His holy and perfect wisdom. He has only our best interest in mind and knows when and how to bring healing to our lives. I do believe God desires our wholeness, especially a spiritual wholeness which more often than not also translates into an emotional wholeness. And I believe that God desires to bring joy, peace, and love into our lives. But for each person that journey to healing and to peace may look different.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It is also important to remember that healing is most often a process. Healing typically involves an unfolding of layers, but one that God directs us through, step by step. And we, I am learning, must trust Him and renew that trust every step of the way (and usually many times during each step), continuously disposing ourselves to His loving presence and asking for the healing. And as we do so, God continuously draws us closer to Himself, closer to His Heart, to the very heart of that joy, peace, and love we so desire.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I wish I could say I turned completely from my desire to take my healing into my own hands. The truth is that I continued to look for this "magic" cure, researching and trying to find the reason I may have become so anxious following the use of an antibiotic drug. I wanted a cure; I wanted to rush the process and just become better, though I knew God was saying to me, Patience; have patience. I am working this out through you, but you need to trust in Me. As I continued to look for a cure, I knew I was, in a sense, turning away from God and the work He was doing in me. I could feel myself becoming more anxious each time I would do that, both because I was turning from my trust in God and because I was worrying more about what may be wrong with me. I felt God trying to call me away from all this wondering and worrying, calling me back to trust and to prayer. And I did continue to pray. But it often felt to me as if the healing I was experiencing by praying was not fast enough or consistent enough, despite many powerful experiences I had had in prayer.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Looking back, I realize my impatience. Looking with the perspective of having gone through much of the process, I can see that God's healing touch and my openness to His healing touch through prayer has impacted my healing significantly more than anything else. And this process, while painful and patience-testing oftentimes, was necessary, as it was through this process that I have come to better know Christ and to trust in His healing power. As I look back over the journey He has brought me through thus far, I find myself truly grateful for the gift of the trials He has permitted me to face.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am reminded, as I reflect on this, of chapter 15 of John's gospel: "I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinegrower," says Jesus to His disciples. "Every branch that bears fruit he prunes to make it bear more fruit." This process, I believe, is a pruning process by which God is giving me to grace to grow in His love in order to bear more fruit. And He calls us each to this pruning process so that we may all bear fruit for the sake of His glory. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Jesus also says to His disciples, "Abide in me as I abide in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me." As I found out during this process, it is only in my relationship to Christ and to our Father that healing can occur, and that any meaningful fruit can be produced. On my own, I can do nothing, but, with Him, anything is possible.</span><br />
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Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-32493556247124186192012-01-25T14:39:00.002-06:002020-03-24T16:48:34.529-05:00Lessons Learned on My Journey Through Depression and Anxiety: Part I<div>
<b>Falling on the Grace of God</b></div>
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As I have traveled this road through depression, and more recently anxiety, I feel God has taught me many things, especially during these last several months. I am on a very good path right now, one with its ups and downs, but one that is leading me ever closer to Him. With the Holy Spirit as my guide, in part leading me through a very holy and humble priest, I travel. I'd like to share some of these lessons with you, knowing that God is leading each of us in different ways unique to our own needs, but in hopes that you, or perhaps people you know, may grow closer to Him, through your/their own crosses, possibly including depression or anxiety.<br />
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One lesson I have learned, this one actually a few years ago, late in the year 2008, is to view the cross of depression and anxiety in a more positive light. It was the first of many paradigm shifts. It is easy to view our crosses in a very negative light, for they are often difficult to carry and weigh us down. But in God's wisdom, our crosses can become something that actually lift us up, closer to Himself. Our crosses, including the crosses of depression and anxiety, are an invitation to rely more heavily on Him, to trust in Him rather than in ourselves, to come to Him in our weakness and lay our worries upon Him. </div>
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Depression and anxiety both introduce a choice. Do we despair or worry, or do we trust in Christ Jesus? No matter how we may <i>feel</i>, we do have the ability to make this decision. It is said that the Bible contains the words "Do no worry" or "Do not be afraid" or some derivative of those words three hundred-some times. Christ wants to make it clear that we are not to worry, we are not to despair; He is here for us and is taking care of us, no matter what the situation. His grace is sufficient for us (cf. 2 Corinthians 12:9).</div>
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Christ is the great healer, the great physician. If God the Father wills that we be healed, we will be. But He may also be using our sufferings for our own sanctification. Or perhaps both are the case - that He is using our sufferings for a special purpose now, and to teach us how to follow Him now, and will heal us when we are ready for the healing. In any case, if we trust Him, He will use the sufferings and the crosses of depression and anxiety for our own good and for the good of those He has entrusted to us. He cannot help but bring about good in our lives if we give Him permission to do so (cf. Romans 8:28). When we truly realize this, it is difficult not to react with gratitude, despite the difficulties we are facing.</div>
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Not only that, but when we truly trust in Him and lay our burdens upon Him, He helps us to pick up our crosses and carry them. He gives us strength to continue along the journey. He stays with us, and within us, giving us the peace the world cannot give us, peace beyond explanation, and giving us faith in Him that, no matter what the situation, we will be alright as long as we have Him. He tells us: "Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30). We often try to do so many things for ourselves, especially when we are under pressure or have a time constraint. We don't rely on our Savior enough. Yet, He is here for us and here with us; He wants to help us and to lighten that yoke from around our shoulders through helping us to carry it. </div>
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This is what my blog title refers to: Falling on His Grace. I need the grace of God to help me through this tangle I call life. I find it too easy to fall into despair or worry, and I find myself in the state of depression or anxiety quite often. And why not? Life is difficult. It's too often full of uncertainties and frustrations, full of opportunities for worry and despair to sneak in and steal our joy. But we have a God Who is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful and wills our good. Rather than relying only on ourselves and our own knowledge and efforts and falling into worry or despair, we can rely on God and fall onto His grace. We can trust that God will work all things to good for us, that all uncertainties are not uncertainties to Him and that all we are worried about will indeed work out under His guidance. We can trust God that He will lighten for us all struggles and frustrations and that He will be our strength to bear them until He redeems them and brings them to glory.</div>
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I have struggled with depression all my life. I was born with a very melancholic personality. And I have, at least since early high school, tried everything I could think of to think and behave more positively and "beat" depression, only to be disappointed and frustrated again and again. What I see when looking back now is that, while I was praying to God for help and listening for inspiration from Him, I was actually relying on myself and my own understanding and abilities rather than on Him. I did not adequately trust Him and His timing. I did not desire the process He wanted to bring me through but instead impatiently wanted healing <i>now.</i> I am currently learning (and learning is the operative word here - I am a work in progress) that growth is a process - a process that must be led by God and not by me. He knows what is best for each of us, and He knows what timing is best. And He has the ability to carry it out. God can do for us what we are unable to do for ourselves. And when we place our needs in His hands in the spirit of faith rather than keep them in our own, He does indeed begin His loving work in us. He has placed on our hearts a desire for happiness, a desire that is meant to lead us closer to Himself. He does desire to fill our hearts with His joy, but it is only when we come to know Him and His love for us and come to trust in that love that we can begin to experience His joy.</div>
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Depression and anxiety do present a choice, as does any cross we humans must bear, but I do believe that because depression and anxiety tend to be more consistently with us than do many other crosses and do so deeply affect many aspects of our lives, making the choice to trust in Christ is more necessary. And we need to make that choice again and again, indeed every time we are tempted to despair or worry, and so we are given the opportunity to progressively grow in trust and in faith. Faith that is not tested does not adequately grow. It is when we are tested that we are given a chance to "exercise" our faith, and faith, when it is exercised, does indeed grow stronger.</div>
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Christ challenges us at all times to have faith in Him. He is able to take situations which seem impossible and rectify them, oftentimes in a super-natural way. He did this with five thousand men gathered around Him to listen to Him teach. They did not want to leave, for they were hungry for His Word, but it was getting late, and it appeared Jesus would need to send them off so that they could feed their stomachs. Jesus said, "No, let them stay," for He knew the importance of the hunger they felt in their souls. Giving thanks to His Father in Heaven, He was able to feed more than five thousand people with just five loaves and two fish. Their witnessing of that miracle, I'm sure, gave them more sustenance than did the food itself (Mk 6:34-44). Christ knows, still today, what we truly need and will work miracles in our lives in order to provide it for us when we come to Him in faith.<br />
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Later that evening, Jesus was praying alone, while His disciples were on a boat heading across the lake, rowing against a strong wind. It was a long journey, and they were greatly tiring as they continued to row all night and were likely wondering whether they would make it to the other side. Jesus then came toward them, walking on the water. They were all terrified, for they did not recognize Him against the early morning sky and thought they were seeing a ghost. He spoke to them "Courage!" and calmed the wind, dumbfounding them with His power and giving them courage and strength to continue to row until they reached the other side (Mark 6:45-52). Christ knows our journeys are difficult as well and sees when we grow tired and hopeless. He desires to speak strength and courage to us just as He did to His disciples, helping us by lightening our load and calming the wind so that we may also continue along our journey. </div>
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We are each called to have a Christian hope. Our hope is born of faith in the One Who sanctifies us, Who delivers us, Who shelters and feeds us. Christ is our all in all. He will provide for our every need if we but place our trust in Him. He has proven Himself time and time again throughout the course of history and will prove Himself trustworthy in our lives as well if we give Him the chance. Christ knows what we need better than we do, and He is able to provide it for us. He is able to be our strength when we are weak and our hope when all the world appears hopeless. Can we not place our trust in Him Who was able to feed five thousand from just five loaves and two fish and was able to calm the sea? Why, then, do we not have hope that all will turn out as it should in our own lives and the lives of those we love? </div>
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Again, we are presented with a choice: do we hope, or do we despair? Do we have faith or do we worry? We may not know what God has in store for us, which is a challenge in itself to our trust. To trust God is to let go. We like to be in control, especially when we are feeling anxious or depressed, for control brings with it a feeling of being grounded somehow, and therefore a feeling of greater security. Worry somehow brings with it this feeling of control. But as we learn to trust, we learn that our security is much greater when put into the the hands of God than it is in our own hands. To trust and to hope can be frightening at first, but the more we exercise our trust and hope, and the stronger it becomes, the safer it feels.</div>
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Each cross we carry, including depression and anxiety, hold this challenge and this invitation: to trust and hope in God rather than continue to worry and despair, to grow closer to Him who is the Source of all goodness and all love. God wants us to know Him. He wants to pour His love upon us. He wants us to know His joy and His peace. He is inviting us. Let's answer this invitation with gratitude! St. Paul says, "I will rather boast most gladly of my weakness, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me" (2 Cor 12:9b). He had become grateful for his weakness because it was in His weakness that He had come to know the strength of God. St. Paul had made that decision to rely on God, to allow God to draw him closer to Himself, and God answered. Let's follow his example!</div>
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I have had a sense for several years that my depression was in some way a gift, an invitation, though I really couldn't explain why. I knew I needed God and that my need for Him was more apparent than it is for many people. And I was, even at that time, grateful for that gift. But I didn't know how that opportunity would play itself out. I find in interesting that God used my worsening symptoms in the form of sudden and fairly intense anxiety to teach me these things. Thus, it's only been in the last 4-5 months that I have begun to understand it and have been able to put more words to this need to trust in Him. This initial understanding, I believe, is the beginning of a long process of growth in faith and a growing closer to Our Lord, a process I hope and trust will continue.</div>
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The anxiety I experienced this year, and the depression I have experienced all my life, had seemed to me to be beyond hope of a cure. While I cannot call myself "cured," God is doing wonderful and amazing things in my life and is teaching me the ways of faith and of hope in Him and gifting me with His reassurance and with His peace. In God, I have no true need to worry or to despair, and the choice to trust and to hope is progressively becoming easier and more natural. And I am truly amazed at the work He has done in me; I am amazed by His love and His power. I have no doubt whatsoever that it is God Who is doing this work in me. Currently, I am typically in a fairly stable mood without any signs of significant depression. I do have my days when I am feeling somewhat depressed, but even on those days, I have the faith that I will very soon feel better. And my anxiety also typically well under control, with my having very tolerable anxiety, if any, the vast majority of the time. When I compare this to where I was a year ago, with nearly constant moderate or intense anxiety and increasing depression, I'm honestly amazed.</div>
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I will, in future emails, attempt to explain what I am learning in greater detail and following the steps God led me through in my own healing process, in hopes that my explaining it will shed, though God's grace and His guidance, more light on these things for my readers and for myself. I hope that, as I grow in understanding, I will be able to express the beauty of the things I am learning with growing clarity. This is my journey I am sharing with you, and while I know each person has their own journey, and God is leading each of us individually, I do also believe we are here to share our experiences and to lift each other up, and in the hopes of finding a common thread in which one person can help another.</div>
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God bless you!</div>
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Just a note: I want to make it clear that it is not my faith that is providing the healing, but God's grace, along with my docility (or attempts at docility) towards His works. :)</div>
Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-22392383976442421072011-07-31T13:56:00.002-05:002011-07-31T15:07:13.058-05:00Countdown to Graduation: T + 2 monthsSorry I have been so distant lately, not writing nor following. We have been busy - my husband with an 18 credit last semester, and me with working, and both with our boys. Then Andy's applying for jobs, followed by a time of transition. Yes, that's right: transition! Wonderful transition! To the very thing we have been working so hard for these last three or four years. Andy has found a job as a financial analyst, just 15 miles south of us, and I have just completed my first week at home! Andy is working at a foundry, in the office, helping with their internal accounting. Everyone seems to be great and helpful, and generally happy and friendly. <div><br /></div><div>With this new transition also, and with learning to be a stay-at-home mom, I'm wanting to start a new blog. I'm trying to start one on newhomemom.blogspot.com, titled "Adventures of a New-at-Home Mom." Hopefully it will be up and running soon.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am very excited to be starting my time at home. While I know being home is not always easy, I am excited to be there for my kids and create more stability in our home.</div>Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-39890689607362039792011-02-07T19:29:00.002-06:002011-02-07T19:39:28.243-06:00Improving or Not?Some moments I think I'm getting better, less anxious. Other moments, I'm not so sure. It feels like forever that I've been feeling this way, when it really just started around Jan 15. Walking and praying are helping, as are the medications I've started taking (an anti anxiety and antidepressant, as well as sleep aid, which I really don't like). At least I don't feel like I want to crawl out of my skin or like the walls of my home are closing in on me, and my heart rate is typically staying below 100 now. And I'm sleeping most nights, with the help of the three medications. My work, upon seeing how badly I am doing, asked me to take 2 full weeks off, starting this week.<br /><br />And my husband also is having quite a bit of anxiety. He's got A LOT on his plate, and my anxiety as well as the way the kids are behaving is not helping him at all.<br /><br />I don't like to ask for prayers for myself, but PLEASE do offer up a prayer or two for all four of us, perhaps to Mary or to her spouse Joseph, or directly to Jesus if you prefer.<br /><br />Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1942684510835353360.post-21130045225078111722011-01-31T08:07:00.002-06:002011-01-31T08:15:41.116-06:00update on how I've been doingThere's some improvement!! Yesterday, besides being a little tired and very slight anxiety, I really felt great!<br />Last Wed, my Dr put my on Zoloft, which of course takes 2-4 weeks to work but does work on anxiety and depression. She also gave me a sleeping pill (which hadn't worked for me in the past either, but I thought I'd try it... possibly got more anxiety after using it? not sure). So the other doctor in the clinic talked to me Fri and gave me Lorazapam, to be used prn. I use it at night and have been able to sleep, which makes a world of difference then next day! The first day, I used one during the day, the second (yesterday) a 1/2, and today, I'm going to try to go without and maybe try a 1/2 tonight.<br /><br />But boy am I relieved. Still some anxiety that is situation-dependent, but not constant anymore. And I've been able to enjoy my kids and put up with their whining better.<br /><br />So thanks for all your prayers and well-wishes. I'm not out of the woods yet, so please keep them coming! As well as for my husband, who is under a lot of pressure and has his first interview tomorrow.<br /><br />Someday soon, I'll write a post on what I've learned through my second miscarriage and into this time of anxiety. God has taught me a great deal, for which I am grateful.Kimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04276948591946945492noreply@blogger.com1