Lessons I've Learned in My Journey: Part 5
If you are new to reading these posts, you can find part 1 here.
A friend of mine, who also has anxiety, pointed out to me one day that she has noticed on many occasions that, just at the time that she thinks she is doing well, her anxiety returns full force. It was interesting to hear her say that because I had noticed that too with my anxiety, and, like her, I was frustrated with that fact. It gave me a sense that I was fighting a battle that could not be won.
It was one of those things I had noticed but had not yet reflected on to any great degree. I had simply noticed that on occasions when I was praying with less intensity and with fewer expressions of my trust in God, the anxiety would begin to creep back in. In my prayers, I would express this frustration to God. "Why can't You just heal me?" I'd ask Him. "Why must I pray so intensely at all times in order for You to continue to give me this peace I long for? Why do You take it away so quickly if I let down at all?" I was finding it very difficult to maintain the level of prayer, both in terms of time and intensity, that seemed required to maintain the peace and continue the healing that God was giving to me.
As I began to reflect on that after talking with my friend, I do believe that was God reminding me of the need to pray without ceasing and to continuously dispose myself to His loving power. It is during those times that I am feeling better that I pray with less fervor, that I begin to try to stand on my own without His help, and it is then that a portion of my anxiety returns, causing me to once again realize my reliance on God and to pray with deep need. It is a difficult task, but a very worthwhile one, to continue on in prayer even when things are going well, constantly being mindful of His presence and His help.
Jesus tells his disciples in Luke 18 a parable about a persistent widow who many times begged a judge in her town for a just decision in her case. The judge, at first unwilling to listen to her, did eventually listen due to her persistence. He says that God will hear our prayers much more speedily than the unjust judge but makes the point that we must "pray always without growing weary" (Luke 18:1). We are called to pray always and to remember that, no matter whether things are going well in our lives or going poorly, God is an integral part of all aspects of our lives and all situations in which we find ourselves. God doesn't want us to just ask once or twice and then leave Him alone. He wants us to ask Him for all we need, at all times, and never forget His presence or power at work in our lives.
St. Paul also calls us to this unceasing prayer: "Do not grow slack in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord," he says. "Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer" (Rom 12:11-12). It is easy to grow complacent and to simply go through the motions of living. There is so much to do and take care of each day and so much to plan for and prepare for regarding the future. It is easy to get distracted from prayer or to put it off for minutes or days. Whether things are going well or not, it is difficult to constantly express trust and gratitude. And, in all honesty, constant prayer can be tiring.
Yet we are called to rejoice, endure, persevere. I find it interesting that St. Paul places the word "rejoice" right there with the words "endure" and "persevere." And "hope" with the word "affliction." It seems out of place at first, but really he touches on one of the great mysteries of our faith. Affliction can lead us deeply into a beautiful, amazing hope. As we endure, through prayer, in affliction, we grow stronger in our faith and, by experience, know that we can, with God's grace, make it through anything. We know, even more, that God will carry us through anything.
I have looked at those people with envy who seem to be happy in any circumstance, who express joy and hope no matter what worries or concerns they have, who have a special sparkle in their eyes. I can't say I am always joyful in all circumstances, but I do see God's hand helping me to remain hopeful in many various circumstances - as long as I persevere in prayer.
I like how St. Paul puts it earlier in his letter to the Romans: "...we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us" (Romans 5:3-5). Affliction does indeed produce endurance when we rely on God's grace rather than falling into despair. Just as continuing to exercise through the point of initial fatigue strengthens our heart, lungs, and muscles so as to increase our cardiac and muscular endurance that over time we are able to exercise longer or more intensely, so does continuing to persevere in affliction and through prayer increase our endurance for continuing to persevere through other afflictions in the future and increase our faith that God will carry us through.
We can see, then, how affliction and endurance produce proven character. In looking up the definition of the word character, there are references to moral and mental properties that are distinctive to an individual person (cf dictionary.com) and to the way in which a person acts on the morals, ethics, and values in which they believe. Endurance in affliction can have a strong effect on how a person learns to react to various situations and on their ability to act in a way that reflects their morals, ethics, and values. Practicing a skill helps us to improve in that specific skill, and practicing acting on our morals and on our faith strengthens our morals and faith so that they become a greater part of our character and thereby increase the strength of our character.
And as we grow in strength of character and grow in faith, a growth in hope naturally follows. We feel stronger to face adversity and to face afflictions, and we see that we can thrive and grow in any circumstance, again by God's grace. Afflictions are not as strongly a source of despair but can actually become a source of joy as we work our way through them. As I have worked through particularly difficult times, I actually have found myself thanking God for the growth and lessons I know will come from those situations He allows in my life. Not that I don't wish I could learn and grow without these struggles, but I know they will be worthwhile in the end.
St. Paul, in chapter 5, also refers other sources of hope: the love of God, the power of the Holy Spirit, and our reconciliation to God and salvation through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. In short, these gifts point to how important we are to our Father and to His Son, despite that we do not add in any way to His Glory, and remind us that He is always with us and has not left us to suffer on our own. He wishes to share in both our suffering and our joy. When Jesus ascended into Heaven, He did not simply leave His friends. Soon after, he sent His Holy Spirit to remain with his disciples and all those who follow Him. He promised that those who love Him would be with Him for eternity and opened the gates of Heaven for us, that we can always look forward to living fully in His peace, joy, and love after this life and experience hope in knowing that is our future. And for us Catholics, we know that He gave us His Body and Blood as a result of the sacrifice He made for us on the cross in order to be even more physically and tangibly with us throughout our lives.
God wants so much for us to experience His hope and joy - to experience His love. Not only to know it intellectually and to be able to rattle off Bible passages or quote famous theologians but to experience that love that is spoken of in those sources. Affliction is one powerful way in which He reaches out to us and calls us to Himself. It is a powerful tool He is able to use to open our hearts so that He can fill them with His joy and love.
To live with such hope as is simply gifted to us by God and as is produced within us through growth in the face of affliction is worth the effort we put toward the unceasing prayer we are called to. God's allowing me to return to a state of anxiety, to a state of relative suffering, so easily when I do not put forth that effort is actually a gift in that it is a reminder of the call to prayer and to trust. In prayer and in trust, this affliction and suffering does produce endurance, character, and eventually hope and even joy. In fact, as I conclude this reflection, I can't hide the smile that is growing on my face - a smile that is the direct result of this hope and joy that I would not know if it wasn't for the difficulties I have experienced and those I continue to experience. It's a direct result of God and His grace and love working directly in my life. And for that, I am grateful.
It was one of those things I had noticed but had not yet reflected on to any great degree. I had simply noticed that on occasions when I was praying with less intensity and with fewer expressions of my trust in God, the anxiety would begin to creep back in. In my prayers, I would express this frustration to God. "Why can't You just heal me?" I'd ask Him. "Why must I pray so intensely at all times in order for You to continue to give me this peace I long for? Why do You take it away so quickly if I let down at all?" I was finding it very difficult to maintain the level of prayer, both in terms of time and intensity, that seemed required to maintain the peace and continue the healing that God was giving to me.
As I began to reflect on that after talking with my friend, I do believe that was God reminding me of the need to pray without ceasing and to continuously dispose myself to His loving power. It is during those times that I am feeling better that I pray with less fervor, that I begin to try to stand on my own without His help, and it is then that a portion of my anxiety returns, causing me to once again realize my reliance on God and to pray with deep need. It is a difficult task, but a very worthwhile one, to continue on in prayer even when things are going well, constantly being mindful of His presence and His help.
Jesus tells his disciples in Luke 18 a parable about a persistent widow who many times begged a judge in her town for a just decision in her case. The judge, at first unwilling to listen to her, did eventually listen due to her persistence. He says that God will hear our prayers much more speedily than the unjust judge but makes the point that we must "pray always without growing weary" (Luke 18:1). We are called to pray always and to remember that, no matter whether things are going well in our lives or going poorly, God is an integral part of all aspects of our lives and all situations in which we find ourselves. God doesn't want us to just ask once or twice and then leave Him alone. He wants us to ask Him for all we need, at all times, and never forget His presence or power at work in our lives.
St. Paul also calls us to this unceasing prayer: "Do not grow slack in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord," he says. "Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer" (Rom 12:11-12). It is easy to grow complacent and to simply go through the motions of living. There is so much to do and take care of each day and so much to plan for and prepare for regarding the future. It is easy to get distracted from prayer or to put it off for minutes or days. Whether things are going well or not, it is difficult to constantly express trust and gratitude. And, in all honesty, constant prayer can be tiring.
Yet we are called to rejoice, endure, persevere. I find it interesting that St. Paul places the word "rejoice" right there with the words "endure" and "persevere." And "hope" with the word "affliction." It seems out of place at first, but really he touches on one of the great mysteries of our faith. Affliction can lead us deeply into a beautiful, amazing hope. As we endure, through prayer, in affliction, we grow stronger in our faith and, by experience, know that we can, with God's grace, make it through anything. We know, even more, that God will carry us through anything.
I have looked at those people with envy who seem to be happy in any circumstance, who express joy and hope no matter what worries or concerns they have, who have a special sparkle in their eyes. I can't say I am always joyful in all circumstances, but I do see God's hand helping me to remain hopeful in many various circumstances - as long as I persevere in prayer.
I like how St. Paul puts it earlier in his letter to the Romans: "...we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us" (Romans 5:3-5). Affliction does indeed produce endurance when we rely on God's grace rather than falling into despair. Just as continuing to exercise through the point of initial fatigue strengthens our heart, lungs, and muscles so as to increase our cardiac and muscular endurance that over time we are able to exercise longer or more intensely, so does continuing to persevere in affliction and through prayer increase our endurance for continuing to persevere through other afflictions in the future and increase our faith that God will carry us through.
We can see, then, how affliction and endurance produce proven character. In looking up the definition of the word character, there are references to moral and mental properties that are distinctive to an individual person (cf dictionary.com) and to the way in which a person acts on the morals, ethics, and values in which they believe. Endurance in affliction can have a strong effect on how a person learns to react to various situations and on their ability to act in a way that reflects their morals, ethics, and values. Practicing a skill helps us to improve in that specific skill, and practicing acting on our morals and on our faith strengthens our morals and faith so that they become a greater part of our character and thereby increase the strength of our character.
And as we grow in strength of character and grow in faith, a growth in hope naturally follows. We feel stronger to face adversity and to face afflictions, and we see that we can thrive and grow in any circumstance, again by God's grace. Afflictions are not as strongly a source of despair but can actually become a source of joy as we work our way through them. As I have worked through particularly difficult times, I actually have found myself thanking God for the growth and lessons I know will come from those situations He allows in my life. Not that I don't wish I could learn and grow without these struggles, but I know they will be worthwhile in the end.
St. Paul, in chapter 5, also refers other sources of hope: the love of God, the power of the Holy Spirit, and our reconciliation to God and salvation through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. In short, these gifts point to how important we are to our Father and to His Son, despite that we do not add in any way to His Glory, and remind us that He is always with us and has not left us to suffer on our own. He wishes to share in both our suffering and our joy. When Jesus ascended into Heaven, He did not simply leave His friends. Soon after, he sent His Holy Spirit to remain with his disciples and all those who follow Him. He promised that those who love Him would be with Him for eternity and opened the gates of Heaven for us, that we can always look forward to living fully in His peace, joy, and love after this life and experience hope in knowing that is our future. And for us Catholics, we know that He gave us His Body and Blood as a result of the sacrifice He made for us on the cross in order to be even more physically and tangibly with us throughout our lives.
God wants so much for us to experience His hope and joy - to experience His love. Not only to know it intellectually and to be able to rattle off Bible passages or quote famous theologians but to experience that love that is spoken of in those sources. Affliction is one powerful way in which He reaches out to us and calls us to Himself. It is a powerful tool He is able to use to open our hearts so that He can fill them with His joy and love.
To live with such hope as is simply gifted to us by God and as is produced within us through growth in the face of affliction is worth the effort we put toward the unceasing prayer we are called to. God's allowing me to return to a state of anxiety, to a state of relative suffering, so easily when I do not put forth that effort is actually a gift in that it is a reminder of the call to prayer and to trust. In prayer and in trust, this affliction and suffering does produce endurance, character, and eventually hope and even joy. In fact, as I conclude this reflection, I can't hide the smile that is growing on my face - a smile that is the direct result of this hope and joy that I would not know if it wasn't for the difficulties I have experienced and those I continue to experience. It's a direct result of God and His grace and love working directly in my life. And for that, I am grateful.
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