Falling on His Grace

I want to expand on something I was writing in the first part of this series: the gift of suffering. St. Teresa of Avila, it is said, complained to Jesus one day of multiple hardships she was suffering. To that, Jesus said to her, "Teresa, that's how I treat my friends." Teresa quickly answered, "No wonder You have so few friends." God does allow us all to suffer hardships and challenges. It may not seem right that He does not protect those of us who are doing our best to follow in His Ways from such difficulties. It may not seem right that He does not treat His friends better or that He does allow "bad things to happen to good people." But there is a gift to be found through enduring hardships and challenges, a gift that God wants so very much to share with His friends. If life was always easy and we were able to just cruise through our days, we would miss out on that precious gift. A friend of mine from college very recently lost her nearly-3-...

If you are new to reading these posts, you can find part 1 here . A friend of mine, who also has anxiety, pointed out to me one day that she has noticed on many occasions that, just at the time that she thinks she is doing well, her anxiety returns full force. It was interesting to hear her say that because I had noticed that too with my anxiety, and, like her, I was frustrated with that fact. It gave me a sense that I was fighting a battle that could not be won.  It was one of those things I had noticed but had not yet reflected on to any great degree. I had simply noticed that on occasions when I was praying with less intensity and with fewer expressions of my trust in God, the anxiety would begin to creep back in. In my prayers, I would express this frustration to God. "Why can't You just heal me?" I'd ask Him. "Why must I pray so intensely at all times in order for You to continue to give me this peace I long for? Why do You take it away so quickly if ...

It has been nearly two years now since the onset of my anxiety. As I think over these last two years and see how much I have learned and how much I have grown as well as how much I have suffered and continue, to a much smaller degree, to suffer, I’m at the same time grateful for this experience and filled with regret. I still am filled with questions of why? Why did I have to go through this, and why do I still need to experience anxiety to the level I still do? To some extent, I can answer these questions. My faith has grown exponentially, as has my strength, my character, and my tolerance of suffering. And I know there’s still growth that needs to happen. I am not there yet. And, really, I don’t know if I’ll ever be “there.” The primary thing I continue to suffer from, besides the increasingly rare incidence of actual anxiety and the on edge feeling I more often feel, are constant palpitations. I feel these palpitations most notably as a strong pulse in my hands and in my he...

I am an over-thinker, and analyzer, a worrier, a controller. I like to have a plan. I like to have things under control. I don't like the unknown. I will run over scenario after scenario in my head or look at site after site online for an answer. I don't like waiting for things to work themselves out. I have a very hard time quieting my mind. In the midst of five minutes of prayer, I will have to interrupt my thoughts many times to refocus on God. It's not that I have any greatly pressing questions in my life, but the ones I do have weigh on me constantly. And the influence of many sources, including my own thoughts and beliefs, have taught me that I need to be always moving forward, toward my goals. Remaining stagnant is difficult for me to accept. One thing on my mind is the hope of someday soon buying a house. We moved into the duplex we are currently in over five years ago, planning to live here less than a year. It is a great duplex as duplexes go, but the lack of ...

If you have not yet read part 1, you can find it here . The Power of Prayer One day, late winter of 2011, I put on a CD that I had not listened to in quite a while. As I listened to his words, sung as if God were singing the words to the listener, Michael John Poirier's voice poured through the living room to the kitchen sink where I was washing dishes: "Come close enough to hear me whisper; I am loving you back to life. Do not be worried or fearful. Please trust in me, please trust in me. I am promising you I will renew your heart, if you will only trust in me." I couldn't help it - I burst into tears. I ran into the living room and knelt down then fell onto the floor. I didn't realize how much I was hurting inside. I didn't realize before then just how angry I was with God. I just cried and shook, not knowing how to rid myself of this deep anger I felt. It seemed nothing would touch it. But I began to pray, harder than I had for some time, and the an...

Falling on the Grace of God As I have traveled this road through depression, and more recently anxiety, I feel God has taught me many things, especially during these last several months. I am on a very good path right now, one with its ups and downs, but one that is leading me ever closer to Him. With the Holy Spirit as my guide, in part leading me through a very holy and humble priest, I travel. I'd like to share some of these lessons with you, knowing that God is leading each of us in different ways unique to our own needs, but in hopes that you, or perhaps people you know, may grow closer to Him, through your/their own crosses, possibly including depression or anxiety. One lesson I have learned, this one actually a few years ago, late in the year 2008, is to view the cross of depression and anxiety in a more positive light. It was the first of many paradigm shifts. It is easy to view our crosses in a very negative light, for they are often difficult to carry and weigh us...

Sorry I have been so distant lately, not writing nor following. We have been busy - my husband with an 18 credit last semester, and me with working, and both with our boys. Then Andy's applying for jobs, followed by a time of transition. Yes, that's right: transition! Wonderful transition! To the very thing we have been working so hard for these last three or four years. Andy has found a job as a financial analyst, just 15 miles south of us, and I have just completed my first week at home! Andy is working at a foundry, in the office, helping with their internal accounting. Everyone seems to be great and helpful, and generally happy and friendly. With this new transition also, and with learning to be a stay-at-home mom, I'm wanting to start a new blog. I'm trying to start one on newhomemom.blogspot.com, titled "Adventures of a New-at-Home Mom." Hopefully it will be up and running soon. I am very excited to be starting my time at home. While I know being home is...