The Reason I Am Doing This
Before I write more, I want to give a brief explanation as to where I am coming from.
I have a passion for suffering. Not that I like suffering. I don't. In fact, I can be quite a baby when it comes to any sort of suffering. But I love what God does with it. I love how God uses it, and because of Him, I love suffering.
I have a passion for moving through life with our eyes fixed on Jesus, choosing to live in joy no matter how we may feel or what is happening. Unfortunately, I have often failed in my attempts at doing this. Sometimes I feel so discouraged I simply can't seem to raise my eyes to Him. But I love how He works in me when He is the focus of my gaze and of my life. I love how my life simply makes sense in those times. And I love to love Him.
My passion for suffering and for what God does with it is borne of my experience with longstanding anxiety, depression, insomnia, fatigue, and brain fog. I've certainly had my difficult moments through which I deeply struggled. I have fallen. I have felt hopeless. My passion began during those moments, but my cross is primarily carried through the day-to-day battles, and my passion has grown in those daily battles.
Nine years ago, when I was experiencing severe insomnia and anxiety, I would lie awake night after night, my heart pounding in my chest and in my head. I would pray, begging Jesus and Mary, Queen of Peace, for some relief. On a few occasions, I felt a peace literally wash over me. It would only last a couple minutes each time, but it was obvious that it had a Divine origin. I learned from those experiences that the most profound relief I would receive would be from God and that He would give meaning to these trials. I learned that, if I were to get better, I would need to rely on Him. Yes, I would need to take care of myself, take some medications, and go to counseling, but what would be more important would be to live my life in union with Him.
And so, with His help, I have tried to do that as well as I could. It's become central to my life - a way of life really. Living and studying this place where our suffering and God's grace meet has reached the core of who I am. It is so central to my being that a person cannot truly know me without knowing how important this is to me and how I strive to live my faith in the midst of both joy and suffering.
I am not an expert, but there is not a day that goes by that I am not affected my anxiety, depression, and/or insomnia and fatigue, and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about and often ponder finding God within suffering and rarely a day that goes by that I neglect to pray and submit myself to God accordingly. In praying and living this redemption in God and in reading and studying, He has blessed me in the ways that He has seen fit. He has taught me according to what He wants me to know. The more I learn, the more I realize that there is so much I do not understand, and the more I realize how deep yet beautifully simple God is. And the more I learn of these mysteries, the more I am drawn to Him, the more in love with Him I become.
I cannot continue to keep this to myself. I want to share it. I feel called to share it. I want to give God at least a portion of the glory He deserves - I want to give Him as much glory as I can give to Him. I want to share what He has taught me with others in order to help and support them on their journey, to assist others in finding meaning and joy in their suffering, that they may, above all, find that their trials offer a path to a deep and lasting relationship with Christ.
I am, honestly, a bit scared to take this on and, of myself, feel quite inadequate, but I feel I need to move through this fear and share what He has taught me - or to at least attempt to share it. I will not be posting frequently, nor will my posts be perfectly edited because my life right now does not allow for frequent, perfectly edited and publishable posts, nor am I currently in the practice of writing. But, by God's grace, I will do what I can do and will write what I prayerfully believe He is asking me to write.
I have a passion for suffering. Not that I like suffering. I don't. In fact, I can be quite a baby when it comes to any sort of suffering. But I love what God does with it. I love how God uses it, and because of Him, I love suffering.
I have a passion for moving through life with our eyes fixed on Jesus, choosing to live in joy no matter how we may feel or what is happening. Unfortunately, I have often failed in my attempts at doing this. Sometimes I feel so discouraged I simply can't seem to raise my eyes to Him. But I love how He works in me when He is the focus of my gaze and of my life. I love how my life simply makes sense in those times. And I love to love Him.
My passion for suffering and for what God does with it is borne of my experience with longstanding anxiety, depression, insomnia, fatigue, and brain fog. I've certainly had my difficult moments through which I deeply struggled. I have fallen. I have felt hopeless. My passion began during those moments, but my cross is primarily carried through the day-to-day battles, and my passion has grown in those daily battles.
Nine years ago, when I was experiencing severe insomnia and anxiety, I would lie awake night after night, my heart pounding in my chest and in my head. I would pray, begging Jesus and Mary, Queen of Peace, for some relief. On a few occasions, I felt a peace literally wash over me. It would only last a couple minutes each time, but it was obvious that it had a Divine origin. I learned from those experiences that the most profound relief I would receive would be from God and that He would give meaning to these trials. I learned that, if I were to get better, I would need to rely on Him. Yes, I would need to take care of myself, take some medications, and go to counseling, but what would be more important would be to live my life in union with Him.
And so, with His help, I have tried to do that as well as I could. It's become central to my life - a way of life really. Living and studying this place where our suffering and God's grace meet has reached the core of who I am. It is so central to my being that a person cannot truly know me without knowing how important this is to me and how I strive to live my faith in the midst of both joy and suffering.
I am not an expert, but there is not a day that goes by that I am not affected my anxiety, depression, and/or insomnia and fatigue, and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about and often ponder finding God within suffering and rarely a day that goes by that I neglect to pray and submit myself to God accordingly. In praying and living this redemption in God and in reading and studying, He has blessed me in the ways that He has seen fit. He has taught me according to what He wants me to know. The more I learn, the more I realize that there is so much I do not understand, and the more I realize how deep yet beautifully simple God is. And the more I learn of these mysteries, the more I am drawn to Him, the more in love with Him I become.
I cannot continue to keep this to myself. I want to share it. I feel called to share it. I want to give God at least a portion of the glory He deserves - I want to give Him as much glory as I can give to Him. I want to share what He has taught me with others in order to help and support them on their journey, to assist others in finding meaning and joy in their suffering, that they may, above all, find that their trials offer a path to a deep and lasting relationship with Christ.
I am, honestly, a bit scared to take this on and, of myself, feel quite inadequate, but I feel I need to move through this fear and share what He has taught me - or to at least attempt to share it. I will not be posting frequently, nor will my posts be perfectly edited because my life right now does not allow for frequent, perfectly edited and publishable posts, nor am I currently in the practice of writing. But, by God's grace, I will do what I can do and will write what I prayerfully believe He is asking me to write.
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