Again? Really??
Well, I'll start with the good news. God is answering my prayers: He is helping me to become more patient and trusting and giving Andy a chance to practice being sensitive to my needs and communicate about his feelings.
Just not the way I was hoping He would do it.
Nine days ago, I found out I was pregnant... need I say more??
But I will anyway. Excited, I called my doctor. She ordered two hCG tests, 48 + hours apart, to be done quickly because of my recent history of miscarriage (Feb 2010) and because I'm on progesterone to help with pregnancies and cyclical hormonal levels. Didn't hear anything, so figured they were normal (really didn't even think about it), then heard the levels were too low (86 and 92) and didn't quadruple as they should have. So another was ordered, which I did yesterday. It was somewhere between 160 and 200 (a week after the first lab, so it should have doubled seven times, or been about 260 times the first number)... can't remember the exact lab value as I had too many things going on through my head when the nurse told me. But it still went up, so the doctor doesn't want to let me go off the progesterone yet and ordered another lab... which I will likely not know the results of until Monday. As long as I'm on the progesterone, my body will not miscarry, and as long as the doctor thinks there is any hope of this child being alive, I will remain on the progesterone, leaving me in limbo (do I mourn, or do I hold onto hope?). This is so similar to what happened last time, except earlier (5 weeks instead of 8). I am certain I will have a miscarriage. The near constant central abdominal cramping (albeit 1-2 on a scale of 0-10) does not help my optimism, nor does the dropping progesterone levels, also per lab tests. But we must be sure first... and it's the not knowing that's the toughest.
As I said, God's teaching me patience and trust. And today I failed. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll take my lesson a little more seriously.
It doesn't seem like a miscarriage should be so tough, especially this early in the pregnancy... the first one didn't seem so bad, but this second one just seems so much harder to take.
And hopefully God sees fit to give us another child someday... maybe soon?? I think that's the hardest part (besides the not knowing... actually, it's a toss up). Will I be able to have another? Will God allow that, or does He only want us to have two? Faith tells me yes, we will have more, but it's easy to doubt or wonder if there's something in my body that will not let me carry any more children.
Just not the way I was hoping He would do it.
Nine days ago, I found out I was pregnant... need I say more??
But I will anyway. Excited, I called my doctor. She ordered two hCG tests, 48 + hours apart, to be done quickly because of my recent history of miscarriage (Feb 2010) and because I'm on progesterone to help with pregnancies and cyclical hormonal levels. Didn't hear anything, so figured they were normal (really didn't even think about it), then heard the levels were too low (86 and 92) and didn't quadruple as they should have. So another was ordered, which I did yesterday. It was somewhere between 160 and 200 (a week after the first lab, so it should have doubled seven times, or been about 260 times the first number)... can't remember the exact lab value as I had too many things going on through my head when the nurse told me. But it still went up, so the doctor doesn't want to let me go off the progesterone yet and ordered another lab... which I will likely not know the results of until Monday. As long as I'm on the progesterone, my body will not miscarry, and as long as the doctor thinks there is any hope of this child being alive, I will remain on the progesterone, leaving me in limbo (do I mourn, or do I hold onto hope?). This is so similar to what happened last time, except earlier (5 weeks instead of 8). I am certain I will have a miscarriage. The near constant central abdominal cramping (albeit 1-2 on a scale of 0-10) does not help my optimism, nor does the dropping progesterone levels, also per lab tests. But we must be sure first... and it's the not knowing that's the toughest.
As I said, God's teaching me patience and trust. And today I failed. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll take my lesson a little more seriously.
It doesn't seem like a miscarriage should be so tough, especially this early in the pregnancy... the first one didn't seem so bad, but this second one just seems so much harder to take.
And hopefully God sees fit to give us another child someday... maybe soon?? I think that's the hardest part (besides the not knowing... actually, it's a toss up). Will I be able to have another? Will God allow that, or does He only want us to have two? Faith tells me yes, we will have more, but it's easy to doubt or wonder if there's something in my body that will not let me carry any more children.
Comments
Remain hopeful if you are able and treasure and celebrate this life created in you, even if the days may be numbered.
Praying for your peace of mind and heart. Sending you hugs too!
Sarah, in your experience, did it help to try to maintain hope, despite any lab tests and/or other indications that miscarriage is the most likely outcome? Did it help you through this kind of waiting period? I just don't want to let myself feel hopeful again just to be more sad in the end.
Cathy, your message about your sister-in-law, and Sarah, your story do give me hope that even if this one is a miscarriage, I will have another. Thank you.