Falling on His Grace

As we are forced to step back from our lives due to Coronavirus and social distancing, other problems may arise or surface, or difficulties that we had had before may be complicated, causing us uneasiness or anxiety or forcing us to deal with feelings and situations we'd prefer not to deal with. Whether the Coronavirus or another problem, any time we're thrust into a difficult situation or have a trial put in our hands, we may wonder why or wish for it to just go away and for life to return to normal. In turning to God, we may ask that of Him: "Lord, please fix this. Please take it away." There are times, however, that a trial is necessary or beneficial. We read in this last Sunday's Gospel a story about a grown man who had been blind since birth, sitting and begging for money and food. We don't know how old this man was nor how long he had been begging. We don't know how often He had wished he could see, wished that this blindness would be taken away ...

My husband told me the song "It's the End of the World as We Know It" is back on the charts. It seems appropriate as the world is changing, and there could be more changes ahead of us. At this time, there are both the familiar - in the seasons and outdoors, in the family we have gathered around us, and in the conveniences we have in our home - and the unfamiliar - restaurants, theaters, and some stores being closed, children home from school, keeping our distance from friends. And there's the unknown; there's navigating the unknown waters and new ill-understood and ill-defined social norms. Do I let my kids play with friends, limiting it to two or three total? Do we go to stores to buy essentials? Am I putting my family's and my life in danger by doing seemingly innocuous, everyday things? A friend made the comment that she feels as if the world is hanging on by a thread. This time we are in can certainly give that impression. For some, including her, this q...

Oftentimes the most difficult thing about having anxiety or depression, or having insomnia, brain fog, and fatigue is the never-ending battle. Nearly every day is a fight, a battle. Some days the battle is fairly small; some days it is an epic battle. Paul reminds us to "persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith. For the sake of the joy that lay before him he endured the cross, despising its shame, and has taken his seat at the right of the throne of God. Consider how he endured such opposition from sinners, in order that you may not grow weary and lose heart" (Hebrews 12: 1-3).   This life, this battle, feels like a race - like an ultra marathon, or rather like ultra marathon, after ultra marathon, after ultra marathon.... Some days I just want to stop running. I just want to curl up next to the side of the road or perhaps walk off the track and make my own direction - a direction that s...

The nature of my life is such that it does not allow me to sit and write with any regularity, yet writing is something that gives me joy. I keep trying to come back to it. I find, right now, that I am a bit out of practice - but I cannot get back into practice without practicing, right? So, here I go, albeit imperfectly and without trying my hand at a finished product or anywhere near there. I will be publishing rough here, and I will make no apologies for it. I am what I am right now, and what I am is tired and harried. Last week, I gave a talk at a church about my experience with anxiety, depression, and fatigue. It was my first talk... perhaps ever. I was surprised how well received it was. I fell blessed to have been able to share several things in that talk. Many, many things have been on my mind, and I have been impatiently waiting to put them out there. My talk was no where near perfect; I read a rough draft to those gathered, having been sick for about 5 days leading up to ...

Oh, this pain again. This agitation. Why must it come back so easily? And where did it come from? My heart aches. I feel on edge. Anxiety is beginning again. Was it my child's behavior? Or my wandering mind that seems to be trying to settle somewhere I'd prefer it not go? Is it my lack of prayer time lately? My feelings of inadequacy? Is it that thing I said a few nights ago to my friend? Something feels to be out of sorts. Oh, why must I be so sensitive? I have said so many times, "I'm tired of trying so hard. I'm tired of fighting." Why must it be so hard? In confession once, I confessed that I try too hard, that I don't just let things be. The priest who heard my confession, a wonderful priest, said to me, "Don't stop trying. The saints are the ones who kept on trying." This is my cross, an invisible cross to most, but my path to sanctity, my path to Heaven. We have been reading a book by Fr. Jean C. J. D'Elbee, I Believe in ...

My family and I went to Lifest yesterday. Lifest is a Christian music celebration - a "party with a purpose" as they say of themselves. Bob Lenz, the guy in charge, was up on stage speaking between shows, showing off a new t-shirt design that they are selling. BGTF, it says - by grace through faith. I have thought a lot about this idea of being saved by faith vs being saved by good works. Now, let's get one thing straight right off the bat. Protestants tend to think that Catholics actually believe we are saved by good works, and we Catholics get a lot of flack for that. But a Catholic that actually understands his or her faith understands that, while God does indeed care about our decisions and does indeed care about how we treat others and about what we do "for the least of [His] brothers," we are not "saved" by our good works. I am onboard with this idea - no, this truth - that we are saved by grace. Let's examine this. First of all, faith:...

The fall and early winter were difficult for me. I felt like I was losing my mind - quite literally. At 39 years old, I should not be feeling like I am developing dementia. A heaviness was constantly sitting on my brain that felt as if it was compressing it or pulling it down somehow, accompanied by brain fog that made it difficult to find or sort through anything up there. A combination of emptiness and confusion predominated any thoughts I tried to assemble, and my memory was sporadic at best. I found it easier to simply not think. It is frustrating to not have control over your own mind, to know there is something up there but to not be able to access it. And it is difficult to function - to be a wife, to parent children, and to run a house in my case - without use of your mental facilities. Not to mention feeling trapped in your own body and feeling as if you have lost a part of who you are. Yet, my prayer was, "Lord, take this from me. Help me to feel better and think m...