Beginning Again... Again

The nature of my life is such that it does not allow me to sit and write with any regularity, yet writing is something that gives me joy. I keep trying to come back to it. I find, right now, that I am a bit out of practice - but I cannot get back into practice without practicing, right?

So, here I go, albeit imperfectly and without trying my hand at a finished product or anywhere near there. I will be publishing rough here, and I will make no apologies for it. I am what I am right now, and what I am is tired and harried.

Last week, I gave a talk at a church about my experience with anxiety, depression, and fatigue. It was my first talk... perhaps ever. I was surprised how well received it was. I fell blessed to have been able to share several things in that talk. Many, many things have been on my mind, and I have been impatiently waiting to put them out there. My talk was no where near perfect; I read a rough draft to those gathered, having been sick for about 5 days leading up to giving the talk and unable to edit or memorize my talk. I think, though, that many people were as excited to hear it as I was to share it.

I am simply going to start here by copying and pasting the (roughed out) beginning of my talk. I am too tired to try to rewrite it or edit it, and why reinvent the wheel? Even if the wheel is a bit wobbly, it still works. Here is it:

We have all experienced difficulties in life: trials, temptations, crosses of all kinds. Some are big, some are smaller – or appear smaller. Some are obvious, some are more personal. Some last a relatively short time, some last years or even a lifetime.

Our crosses, especially the bigger or longer-lasting ones, have the ability to make or break us. We all know people whose lives have fallen apart and who have not recovered following a divorce, the death of a child, or another tragedy, or have become depressed and have continued to sink further and further into apathy. But we also know people who have faced difficult circumstances and have risen to the occasion. Though they suffered, it brought out something admirable in them – a joy or a generosity, a strength that perhaps appears superhuman.

The very same things that threaten to tear us down – and that may tear us down for a while – can also be the same occasions by which we are built up. What is it that makes the difference? What is the main ingredient? I believe, in the cases where a person is truly built up, where a person truly becomes more than they were before, the primary ingredient is a persistent turning to God and a perseverance, in faith, in moving through the trial, following Him. Falling and sinking at times but reaching our hand out to Him again when we do, being pulled back up and continuing to walk, our eyes on Jesus.

Anxiety and depression are becoming hot topics recently as people are opening up about having them and as suicide rates are increasing. Problems such as this as well as other similar trials seem to be becoming more and more commonplace or seem to be more consequential. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, and other things affect every aspect of our lives, including how we react and interact with people and how well and how efficiently we get things done, affecting motivation, happiness and contentment, frustration and irritability. They are mostly interior crosses, that a person may feel they should not be carrying. They may blame themselves or believe they should be able to just “snap out of it,” seeing that, often, there is nothing really wrong in their lives and no apparent reason that they are feeling that way. A person finds it difficult to understand why they are feeling the way they do and even more difficult to explain to others, often preferring to remain quiet about it and suffer silently. It is easy, when depressed or anxious, to sink inward, and it is natural to focus on the pain and suffering within. It seems impossible to escape it, and a person easily begins feeling hopelessness settle in.

These things also can stem from many different places, and there are usually multiple factors, from difficult situations or other, more external, struggles, brain chemistry and other physical variables, diet, environment, lack of sunlight, lack of exercise, psychological factors or deep-seated beliefs, excess worrying, stress, etc. These issues also take on many manifestations, from physical to emotional, to behavioral, to spiritual, and often need to be addressed in multiple different ways, with counseling and addressing psychological wounds or triggers, addressing stress and reactions, sometimes with medications, diet, exercise, sunlight, spiritual exercises and prayer. Even if they address all these things and others, people don’t always find complete relief, which is frustrating and depressing in itself. And depression and anxiety can last for many, many years or even a lifetime, or can come back after years without it.

I have, personally, as far as I can tell, had depression all my life. I had a difficult time in school, being both picked on by classmates and absolutely ignored and discounted by people I considered to be my friends. I was also born with hypothyroidism but started medication for it right away. In college, I had circumstantial anxiety – usually around test time or when a paper was due because I had put studying or writing off too long. I started to have some fatigue and brain fog the summer after my first year of college, but it wasn’t a big problem yet. I had some suicidal thoughts during that time but never intended or tried to carry them out. Though those problems grew over time, they didn’t cause any major issues until after our second child was born. I had severe postpartum depression and anxiety as well as severe insomnia. My mom would often take both boys for multiple days so that I could rest and try to sleep. This grew into a chronic fatigue that was often debilitating and kept me from being able to do things. 

Though both some anxiety and depression continued, I began to recover from the fatigue but then took a couple strong medications for another condition and again developed a severe anxiety and depression, including hallucinations, severe claustrophobia, and tachycardia, as well as severe insomnia again. Brain fog and fatigue have again increased drastically over the years as I continue to struggle with anxiety, depression, insomnia and other medical problems. I have addressed these issues with counseling, diet and vitamins, exercise, medications, and other things. These things have helped in my recovery.

But what has helped the most is growing in my faith. Though my faith has not cured any of these issues, they – especially the anxiety and depression – have decreased substantially over time and with prayer, and God has provided some relief when I needed it the most as I pray and submit to Him. But more than anything, God has given meaning to the cross I carry. He has provided a path to walk and a direction and has walked that path with me. He has given me great hope, peace, and joy and made me to know love in the midst of suffering.

That is what I am here to talk about. I want to share some of the many things God has taught me through my carrying my cross, which are also tools I use daily to carry my cross and that provide meaning to that cross. I want to talk about how I have learned to have joy in the midst of my suffering.

Joy in the midst of suffering sounds paradoxical. Joy within sadness and difficulty. How does that happen? It begins with a choice and with continuing to make that choice day after day, moment after moment. It also involves God’s grace and love. For depression and anxiety, it does not mean making a decision to “snap out of it,” because snapping out of it is not possible for most people. But it is also not a choice to wallow in it. It is not an avoidance of suffering, because avoiding it, especially when it comes to anxiety, tends to make it worse. It is a decision to enter into the suffering and into relationship with God through it and thus to be transformed.

Jesus came to earth to teach us about God and to show us the love of the Father, to forgive our sins and reconcile us to Himself, to be Love Incarnate. But I believe He also came to earth to sanctify suffering. Suffering entered this world with the Fall, with Adam and Eve’s sin. Suffering was a part of this world from that time on and continues to be a part of this world. Jesus did not take away our suffering but rather chose to suffer with us. Like with His Baptism, where He did not need to be baptized but was baptized in order to sanctify Baptism and the Baptismal waters, part of the reason for His suffering and death was to sanctify suffering. God brings good out of all things, including our crosses and difficulties. Some of His greatest gifts come out of our crosses. And, more importantly, we are able to find Him within those crosses and that suffering. We are able to enter into a communion and a deep relationship with Him, to walk with Him, yoked to Him, to grow in holiness.

I want to - from here - share some of the things I have learned through persevering through anxiety, depression, brain fog, insomnia, etc. My goal here is to begin again to share, not to sound perfect. I am hoping many will read, but I also want to get these ideas down for myself.