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The Gift of Fatigue

The fall and early winter were difficult for me. I felt like I was losing my mind - quite literally. At 39 years old, I should not be feeling like I am developing dementia.

A heaviness was constantly sitting on my brain that felt as if it was compressing it or pulling it down somehow, accompanied by brain fog that made it difficult to find or sort through anything up there. A combination of emptiness and confusion predominated any thoughts I tried to assemble, and my memory was sporadic at best. I found it easier to simply not think.

It is frustrating to not have control over your own mind, to know there is something up there but to not be able to access it. And it is difficult to function - to be a wife, to parent children, and to run a house in my case - without use of your mental facilities. Not to mention feeling trapped in your own body and feeling as if you have lost a part of who you are.

Yet, my prayer was, "Lord, take this from me. Help me to feel better and think more c…

Obedience

I had been hoping things would look different right now. I was hoping I would be feeling great, home life would be going relatively smoothly, and I would be writing.

But God has said, "Not yet."

At first, His "not yet" was in the form of a gentle nudge. A whisper while praying in church: "Take some time to quiet your mind and tune in to Me."

Yes, I knew what that meant. It included many things, including waiting on starting any sort of writing. It also meant rest, and it meant moving through some things that have been challenging for me.

But within a week my own ambitions took over. I WANT TO WRITE! Never do I feel more alive or more energetic than when I am writing, and rarely do I feel so close to God. A friend also lent me a book - a book that absolutely spoke to me on many levels, but especially on writing with little ones in tow - One Beautiful Dream by Jennifer Fulwiler. She details her writing a book with four, then five, then six kids. Reading her…

I've Got This

There it is again. That voice that's telling me I am a failure as a parent.

Her temper tantrum - my fault. The way he is talking to his sister - my fault. Somehow, if I had done a better job these last thirteen years, my kids would not have the behaviors and difficulties they have.

I am not a natural parent. My mom was - or so it seemed to me as a child, and still seems to me now as watch her as a grandma. I am not my mom.

Getting down on the floor to play is not me. I don't like to dance to kids music. I am too serious. And I yell. I try not to, but it builds up, and eventually it comes out. I am not the perfect parent that I want to be, nor will I ever be no matter how hard I try.

But I have always done my best, even when my best was not pretty. I have carried some baggage into my motherhood journey. I have struggled through it, working on being a better mother all the while.

By God's grace, I am growing into motherhood. It is becoming more natural, though not enough to …

You Make up for Where I Lack, My God

3 years, 6 months, 26 days. That's how long it has been since I posted.

And I have to be honest, I wasn't sure if I would be back. I have been trying to write, though not here.

In this most recent season of life, two beautiful children - both girls - have been born into our family. I have, fatigued, sent the boys back to public school for a year and have then taken them back out to homeschool another year only to become fatigued again. It was a blessed and successful year, but I left that year wondering if I will ever homeschool again. That era of my life may be over, but, rather than being upset, I am grateful for the time having homeschooled and at peace with moving onto another chapter.

This time, rather than sending the kids back to public school, we are sending two of the middle children to a small Catholic school, and the oldest is home but taking online, live classes through another Catholic school. To delegate that portion of the responsibility of teaching my children …

Update - over 2 years later

My goodness, it's been a long time since I've posted. I realized again, when a friend of mine started reading through my posts, that it has been over 2 YEARS since I last posted! I thought I'd write a brief update in case anyone still has my blog on their follow list or in case anyone happens to stop by. As I looked over my blog list, it seems many of those I had been following are still writing. If any of those people stop by, let me tell you, I admire you for it! And I hope to catch up soon on much of what you've been up to!

I'll have to update my picture also. Our kids have grown, as kids do, and two children are not even in the picture. Blaise is 9 1/2, Isaac is 8, and Rose (our "baby") is almost 2. And - not that this would make the picture yet - we're expecting #4 in September!

So our family is growing, and, praise be to God, the other things I had been waiting for, sometimes patiently, other times not so patiently :p have come to fruition. Andy…

Lessons I've Learned: Part 7

I wrote a post last week about suffering being a gift and about choosing to fall on God's grace so that God may bring that gift to fulness as He desires it to be for us. I want to better spell a few things out in regards to this than I did last week.

Suffering is a gift in a few ways. For us personally, it is a gift in that it gives us reason to come to God, asking for His help and His Grace. It is too easy, when everything is going well, to set prayer aside and to let our relationship with God remain or become stagnant. Suffering can either be a reminder that we do indeed need God, or, for some, it can be a first step in a journey toward faith. Suffering is a vehicle by which God draws us, His beloved, to Himself.

Suffering is also a mode by which, after we ask for His help, God sends graces down upon us. Through suffering, He prepares our hearts, if we allow Him, to receive His graces: His love, peace, and joy and all that He desires to give us. It is through suffering that we a…