When our lives are not as we wish them to be
I dream of being home with two boys who are better behaved versions of the ones I have, a baby in my arms or in my womb, and a more sensitive version of my husband. I dream of having love and joy spilling forth from my heart onto my children and my husband, of laughing and playing together, even among toys scattered on the floor. I dream of God being so evident in our family life that all know His presence as they enter our home.
At times, I see shadows of that life. I see well-behaved boys. At times I'm wrapped in a spontaneous hug from my husband at just the right time. I had that moment of joy when I looked down at a positive pregnancy test 8 months ago. We have experienced joy, love, laughter together. We have caught glimpses of God's undeniable presence.
But at times, like today, all that eludes me. At times, like this week, I am too tired and too overwhelmed to catch sight of the beauty around me. At times, the boys' misbehavior is overwhelming, and Andy is caught off guard by my strong emotions and doesn't know what to do to comfort me. In those times, I can only grasp at joy and love, unable to secure my fingers around them; all I can do is hold on and pray for help.
What can I do? I feel so helpless. When I'm at work, I can literally do nothing. But even when I'm at home, I feel limited. Time-outs don't seem to do the trick for the boys. And the stress I'm under, and Andy's under - sometimes the stress seems to be destroying our family. The impatience, the way we talk to each other, the lack of that laughter and playfulness, the lack of visible love at times. I feel I'm no match for the pressure we face, and I watch helplessly as the boys are swallowed up into it as well. I'm too exhausted most of the time to begin to undo some of that damage stress has caused. I find myself praying to God after yelling at the boys, "Please heal the hurt and the damage I have caused." And I wonder whether I should apologize to them again or refrain from doing so so as to not undermine my authority.
I know a large part of the issue is my sensitivity to stress. It is good to take a step back and examine our lives from afar. Really, I am blessed. I am very blessed. But when looking up close, I let things get to me. I must learn to forgive those small imperfections in my life, to forgive the imperfections of those I love, and my own imperfections. As a good friend reminded me today, I must appreciate and be gracious for those precious moments I am given, to not take one for granted for they pass all too quickly and may be gone sooner than I expect. To appreciate those moments within the context of the landscape of one's life, as created by God, can bring joy into one's life and lessen stress. Remembering those moments, etched into that landscape, can help one through the more difficult times. I must learn to do that, thus keeping things in better perspective, and overcoming those trials in prayer and with a smile and a shrug.
At times, I see shadows of that life. I see well-behaved boys. At times I'm wrapped in a spontaneous hug from my husband at just the right time. I had that moment of joy when I looked down at a positive pregnancy test 8 months ago. We have experienced joy, love, laughter together. We have caught glimpses of God's undeniable presence.
But at times, like today, all that eludes me. At times, like this week, I am too tired and too overwhelmed to catch sight of the beauty around me. At times, the boys' misbehavior is overwhelming, and Andy is caught off guard by my strong emotions and doesn't know what to do to comfort me. In those times, I can only grasp at joy and love, unable to secure my fingers around them; all I can do is hold on and pray for help.
What can I do? I feel so helpless. When I'm at work, I can literally do nothing. But even when I'm at home, I feel limited. Time-outs don't seem to do the trick for the boys. And the stress I'm under, and Andy's under - sometimes the stress seems to be destroying our family. The impatience, the way we talk to each other, the lack of that laughter and playfulness, the lack of visible love at times. I feel I'm no match for the pressure we face, and I watch helplessly as the boys are swallowed up into it as well. I'm too exhausted most of the time to begin to undo some of that damage stress has caused. I find myself praying to God after yelling at the boys, "Please heal the hurt and the damage I have caused." And I wonder whether I should apologize to them again or refrain from doing so so as to not undermine my authority.
I know a large part of the issue is my sensitivity to stress. It is good to take a step back and examine our lives from afar. Really, I am blessed. I am very blessed. But when looking up close, I let things get to me. I must learn to forgive those small imperfections in my life, to forgive the imperfections of those I love, and my own imperfections. As a good friend reminded me today, I must appreciate and be gracious for those precious moments I am given, to not take one for granted for they pass all too quickly and may be gone sooner than I expect. To appreciate those moments within the context of the landscape of one's life, as created by God, can bring joy into one's life and lessen stress. Remembering those moments, etched into that landscape, can help one through the more difficult times. I must learn to do that, thus keeping things in better perspective, and overcoming those trials in prayer and with a smile and a shrug.
Comments
Thank you for being so honest in this post! there are so many times when I feel like this, or when I'm not sure if it's "normal" that my husband gets so impatient or if my expectations of him are just unrealistically high. I hate when things are stressed between us, and I worry too much.
I, too, am trying to look for all my many blessings and focus on those, so that I avoid being so sensitive to the things that will inevitably go wrong.
I think when we read blogs or catch what seem to be glimpses into others lives, (or at least I have this tendency) we forget that most of the time what's being revealed in that format is often being framed just so or in a positive light. The reality is that eveyone has struggles like these, whether they are brave enough to share them (like you!) or not!
Let's keep striving for that family where God's presence is felt in our midst, but all the while knowing that His presence is often revealed only through His Grace in our very human, very humble efforts. I share your struggles and I'll keep you and your family in my prayers that he gives us both that grace to keep trying!!