I've Got This
There it is again. That voice that's telling me I am a failure as a parent.
Her temper tantrum - my fault. The way he is talking to his sister - my fault. Somehow, if I had done a better job these last thirteen years, my kids would not have the behaviors and difficulties they have.
I am not a natural parent. My mom was - or so it seemed to me as a child, and still seems to me now as watch her as a grandma. I am not my mom.
Getting down on the floor to play is not me. I don't like to dance to kids music. I am too serious. And I yell. I try not to, but it builds up, and eventually it comes out. I am not the perfect parent that I want to be, nor will I ever be no matter how hard I try.
But I have always done my best, even when my best was not pretty. I have carried some baggage into my motherhood journey. I have struggled through it, working on being a better mother all the while.
By God's grace, I am growing into motherhood. It is becoming more natural, though not enough to call it second nature. Many of the struggles I did have that were so strong earlier have less grip on me now. I am learning to bring my own unique talents into it.
It is easy to say that the struggles we have as a family and the struggles my kids have are my fault. But that is only placing blame, searching for a reason for all the things I deem to be deficits in my kids' behavior and in our family culture. The truth is that all people struggle. My kids would not be perfect if I were somehow the perfect mother. They are human. Our family culture would not be perfect either.
And it has been good for them to see me move through my struggles, to see me leave in the evenings to spend an hour or two at church, to hear me apologize when I yell again, to hear me tell them that I love them no matter how they act - and no matter how I act. It is good for them to see that I have not and will not give up. They will also have struggles as they grow older, and I hope I have given them a good model as to how to move through them and how to look and reach for God all the while.
I also hope that the love that I have poured out on them (including the tough-love type), the sacrifices I have made for them (even when done reluctantly), and the things I have done with them (even if that does not typically include dancing to kids songs) has lifted them up as well. I do also see evidence that this is the case.
We are a family, a beautiful family that God put together and designed as He desired. What my kids do certainly affects me - both in positive and negative ways. What I do does affect them as well - both in positive and negative ways.
As I look at my family - my kids, my husband, and myself - I know we are in a good place. On some days, it does not appear that way, but the truth is that we are. We are right where God wants us to be, and He is continuing to work through us. I do not need to worry. I do not need to stress or analyze why my daughter acts in this way or my son in that way. I need to love them and myself through it. I need to look to God to provide and to lead, and I need to trust that He has this. And because of Him, I have this too.
Her temper tantrum - my fault. The way he is talking to his sister - my fault. Somehow, if I had done a better job these last thirteen years, my kids would not have the behaviors and difficulties they have.
I am not a natural parent. My mom was - or so it seemed to me as a child, and still seems to me now as watch her as a grandma. I am not my mom.
Getting down on the floor to play is not me. I don't like to dance to kids music. I am too serious. And I yell. I try not to, but it builds up, and eventually it comes out. I am not the perfect parent that I want to be, nor will I ever be no matter how hard I try.
But I have always done my best, even when my best was not pretty. I have carried some baggage into my motherhood journey. I have struggled through it, working on being a better mother all the while.
By God's grace, I am growing into motherhood. It is becoming more natural, though not enough to call it second nature. Many of the struggles I did have that were so strong earlier have less grip on me now. I am learning to bring my own unique talents into it.
It is easy to say that the struggles we have as a family and the struggles my kids have are my fault. But that is only placing blame, searching for a reason for all the things I deem to be deficits in my kids' behavior and in our family culture. The truth is that all people struggle. My kids would not be perfect if I were somehow the perfect mother. They are human. Our family culture would not be perfect either.
And it has been good for them to see me move through my struggles, to see me leave in the evenings to spend an hour or two at church, to hear me apologize when I yell again, to hear me tell them that I love them no matter how they act - and no matter how I act. It is good for them to see that I have not and will not give up. They will also have struggles as they grow older, and I hope I have given them a good model as to how to move through them and how to look and reach for God all the while.
I also hope that the love that I have poured out on them (including the tough-love type), the sacrifices I have made for them (even when done reluctantly), and the things I have done with them (even if that does not typically include dancing to kids songs) has lifted them up as well. I do also see evidence that this is the case.
We are a family, a beautiful family that God put together and designed as He desired. What my kids do certainly affects me - both in positive and negative ways. What I do does affect them as well - both in positive and negative ways.
As I look at my family - my kids, my husband, and myself - I know we are in a good place. On some days, it does not appear that way, but the truth is that we are. We are right where God wants us to be, and He is continuing to work through us. I do not need to worry. I do not need to stress or analyze why my daughter acts in this way or my son in that way. I need to love them and myself through it. I need to look to God to provide and to lead, and I need to trust that He has this. And because of Him, I have this too.
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