My Story - Part I

Giving it to God: How My Complete Surrender Gave Me the Freedom I Yearned For

“Kim, you have to get home.”

I had just come out of my counselor’s office and was sitting in my car, praying, when my phone rang.

“Why? What’s going on?” I was concerned. The serious tone in my husband’s voice was obvious.

“Everything’s caving in,” he explained.

Both of us had been feeling depressed, crushed by the ins and outs of daily life, tired of the rush and hurry of our lives and the get-ahead mentality. Like many people, we needed to slow down. We were both working and raising two boys, ages 4 months and 20 months, and I was suffering with postpartum depression. City life was not for Andy, my husband of nearly three years, and he believed it wasn’t good for me either, that I would also feel better in a slower, less hurried environment.

I rushed home. “We need to get out of here,” he said as I walked into the living room where he was sitting. I knew immediately what he meant. “Let’s pack a bottle and some snacks. Maybe the kids will sleep in the car. Where should we go?”

We had talked two months earlier about moving, but I hadn’t been ready. I had told a friend about it then: “I think this is God’s Will for us, but now is not the time.” With two young boys and postpartum depression, I had reasoned, God would not expect me to leave my family and friends, my support. The truth was that it was the time for us to move. I had had that distinct sense. I just hadn’t wanted to admit it. So when I saw how serious Andy was, I knew immediately that I couldn’t deny God’s Will any longer.

We went driving, partially to get out of the city, partially to scout out small towns nearby. We drove through various towns and stopped in several small cafes and shops, but nothing stood out.

When we returned home that evening, we were both frustrated. I took a half mile run, just enough to rid myself of the stress I had picked up that day. I felt torn; after visiting many small towns that day, I wasn’t sure that small town life was for me. If we were to continue to consider moving, I would have to trust that Andy knew more than I did about what we needed. I knew, also, that after driving and talking about moving as we had that day, I couldn’t simply dismiss the issue and dash Andy’s hopes of slowing down and simplifying. And I could no longer ignore what I had then realized to be God’s call that we move.

“Where do You want us to go, God?” I desperately asked while running.

“[Specific small town],” I heard with my heart.

[Small town] is a small town that we had passed through many times on our way to visit my in-laws in [small city]. Andy and I had both felt drawn to the town each time we had driven through it.

“But it’s more than an hour away from here,” I argued. If we were to move, I would have rather stayed within thirty minutes of my family and our friends.

“[Small town],” I heard again. I felt a sense of peace as I considered it, in great contrast to the frustration and turmoil I had felt before. I knew I couldn’t ignore it.

I returned home. I took a deep breath and said the words I dreaded to hear: “Andy, I think we need to take a look at [Small town]. We’ll just check it out.” I tried to reassure myself that we wouldn’t really move so far. Andy quietly agreed. He knew what I was giving up by even considering [small town].

I started to think about what my counselor and I had talked about earlier that day. Sitting in her office, I had told her that I had been feeling a deep sense of emptiness, hopelessness, and isolation from God; I had been feeling as if the circumstances of my life and the expectations placed on me were dictating my life and as if God was absent. She reassured me that God does very much want to be a part of my life and that He will lead me if I listen for Him and the desires He’s placed in my heart. She then asked me what I wanted to do, what I felt called to.

The truth was I didn’t know. I was a mother and a wife; I hadn’t had time to think about my own deep desires for a while. But I did know one thing. “I want to do whatever is God’s Will,” I replied.

“What do you want to do?” she repeated. I looked at her blankly. “God puts longings deep in our hearts. Look into your heart. What do you long to do?”

I thought a while longer. Then I remembered something I had not had time to think about for a while. “Well,” I said, pausing, “I’ve always felt called to write a book for God.” I could feel my excitement growing as I explained this long and deep-seated desire, and a genuine smile formed on my face for the first time in over three months. “But I don’t know when I’ll have the time to write. And I’ve never written anything except in my journal.”

My therapist again reassured me, “I believe God has given you that desire; I can see it in your face and hear it in your voice. He will provide. If He’s calling you to write a book, He will find a way for you to do it.”

As Andy and I talked that evening about the possibility of moving to [small town], the memories of this conversation continued to replay in my mind. All along, Andy had been telling me that we would have more time if we moved to a smaller town, and, financially, we would have more freedom. Maybe, I thought, I could find the time to write my book. And, without the need to work, I could stay home with the kids and give them a full-time mother. I would also be able to find more time to pray and to grow in my faith. Though still not letting myself be fully convinced, I was beginning to grow excited about the possibility of moving.

We took a trip to [small town] the next Sunday and went to Mass. The priest, in his homily, confirmed the importance of what we were seeking in our desire to move. He said so many of us are too busy, spending time on many things but not spending time on the important things, on God first and on togetherness as a family second. We all need to continuously evaluate where we place our priorities and how we spend our time, keeping our lives centered on Christ and growing as people of faith. Andy and I felt as if the priest was talking directly to us. By the end of the Mass, we were even more convinced of our need to slow down and simplify our lives.