Countdown to Graduation: 16 months
I have been away from the blogging world for 2 months, but today I had the inkling to write two posts. Hopefully this means I am back...
Sixteen more months until Andy's tentative graduation date. Actually, there's a good chance he won't truly graduate in May 2011 like we hope as he will likely have one more class to take, but he is hopeful he'll be able to get a job and work it out with his employer to take off work early for that class. I am hopeful too as I really don't want to start talking about 23 more months to graduation... 16 is enough. And I have faith God will provide.
I wish I had posted a month ago as I would have been able to create a very nice post regarding my improved attitude toward my work. In early December, a friend of mine had told me some words I needed to hear: I am doing my best. Not exactly groundbreaking words, but she said it in such a way that touched me deeply and in a way in which I understood and believed to be true. People have told me I don't have to work as hard as I do, that I'm doing a good job, but no one had quite said it the way she did. As you may guess, I put 110% into patient care and am not satisfied with less than very good (I have learned some time ago that perfection is not possible, but I still strive for very good and am not satisfied with good): not bad qualities in the medical profession, but bad qualities in terms of maintaining personal sanity. This friend said that with all the things I have on my plate, including hypothyroidism, depression, two young children, etc, I really am doing my best as both a physical therapist and as a wife and mother. I began to cut myself some slack. And that in turn created a more positive attitude.
I still am cutting myself some slack but have once again fallen into that negative attitude that I just can't seem to shake. I think there are two primary reasons for this attitude (ok, besides the fact that I just can't seem to pray as I would like, that my mind drifts every time I sit down to pray, and I can easily get through 5 decades of the rosary without praying a single prayer):
One reason is that I really don't think physical therapy is for me. I am a low-energy person in a job that is meant to be filled by someone with high energy. I am a natural introvert who is forced day in and day out to talk to people and take charge in every situation, to give people advice and teach them ways to ease their aches and pains. I am recharged by sitting and resting. When I get a chance to sit at work, there are at least five things on my desk waiting for my attention. And that's when I get to sit and rest. On a busy day, I can have 14 people back-to-back with barely enough time to use the bathroom. I so long to be done with that job. And it's not this specific clinic - in fact, I have never worked for anyone who is more fair in their expectations. I see myself writing instead. Curled in a chair with a computer or notebook on my lap. It is then that I have felt alive... two years ago and earlier.
But before the writing comes the staying home. That is the other reason for my attitude. I long to stay home with the boys. I see how our schedules affect them. My husband was home for 5 weeks between semesters. I don't think I was imagining it: by the fifth week, the boys were listening better and whining less. But even a week into the semester, we are having more problems again with the whining and disobeying. I can't blame them. No two days in one week are the same. My schedule varies by day, and so does Andy's - and therefore, so do the boys' schedules. They never know what to expect. I tried to make a calendar last semester for the four year old, and he didn't understand it. Perhaps I should try that again but in a different format. I do think that kids behave better when they have consistency: both the consistency in discipline that seems to be a catch phrase lately and also the consistency in schedules, in knowing what to expect, in having a feeling of some control over the situation. Our kids just have to go where we tell them to, whether they do so under their own power or with some prodding from us.
I thought I would be able to stay home seven months from now, with three beautiful children. Andy and I found out we were expecting in late December. We were going to sacrifice my income so that I could be home. Unfortunately, I lost the baby two or three weeks later - or so the ultrasound and blood tests say. So now I am left mourning my third child and mourning the hope of staying home in half the time I had previously thought. (While I am sad at times in regard to the miscarriage, I feel very blessed to have a little angel in Heaven to intercede for this family who could really use the intercessions of a special saint.) Luckily, Andy did offer that I cut my hours to twenty hours a week the first of September this year. I am so grateful that he is allowing for this. It will be a sacrifice financially but a more feasible one than my staying home. And we will, God willing, have another child in the spring or summer of next year.
I apologize if this post has a negative current to it. That is how I've been feeling recently. But I do know God is in charge, and I know there is hope. Everything we are doing now will be worthwhile in the end. It just seems to be a long time coming. It is funny that while we are on the journey, time can seem to tick by so slowly, but looking back, it seems as though we blink and it is gone. If you are still reading, thank you for sticking with this update to the end. I promise I will post more positive posts in the future. :)
Sixteen more months until Andy's tentative graduation date. Actually, there's a good chance he won't truly graduate in May 2011 like we hope as he will likely have one more class to take, but he is hopeful he'll be able to get a job and work it out with his employer to take off work early for that class. I am hopeful too as I really don't want to start talking about 23 more months to graduation... 16 is enough. And I have faith God will provide.
I wish I had posted a month ago as I would have been able to create a very nice post regarding my improved attitude toward my work. In early December, a friend of mine had told me some words I needed to hear: I am doing my best. Not exactly groundbreaking words, but she said it in such a way that touched me deeply and in a way in which I understood and believed to be true. People have told me I don't have to work as hard as I do, that I'm doing a good job, but no one had quite said it the way she did. As you may guess, I put 110% into patient care and am not satisfied with less than very good (I have learned some time ago that perfection is not possible, but I still strive for very good and am not satisfied with good): not bad qualities in the medical profession, but bad qualities in terms of maintaining personal sanity. This friend said that with all the things I have on my plate, including hypothyroidism, depression, two young children, etc, I really am doing my best as both a physical therapist and as a wife and mother. I began to cut myself some slack. And that in turn created a more positive attitude.
I still am cutting myself some slack but have once again fallen into that negative attitude that I just can't seem to shake. I think there are two primary reasons for this attitude (ok, besides the fact that I just can't seem to pray as I would like, that my mind drifts every time I sit down to pray, and I can easily get through 5 decades of the rosary without praying a single prayer):
One reason is that I really don't think physical therapy is for me. I am a low-energy person in a job that is meant to be filled by someone with high energy. I am a natural introvert who is forced day in and day out to talk to people and take charge in every situation, to give people advice and teach them ways to ease their aches and pains. I am recharged by sitting and resting. When I get a chance to sit at work, there are at least five things on my desk waiting for my attention. And that's when I get to sit and rest. On a busy day, I can have 14 people back-to-back with barely enough time to use the bathroom. I so long to be done with that job. And it's not this specific clinic - in fact, I have never worked for anyone who is more fair in their expectations. I see myself writing instead. Curled in a chair with a computer or notebook on my lap. It is then that I have felt alive... two years ago and earlier.
But before the writing comes the staying home. That is the other reason for my attitude. I long to stay home with the boys. I see how our schedules affect them. My husband was home for 5 weeks between semesters. I don't think I was imagining it: by the fifth week, the boys were listening better and whining less. But even a week into the semester, we are having more problems again with the whining and disobeying. I can't blame them. No two days in one week are the same. My schedule varies by day, and so does Andy's - and therefore, so do the boys' schedules. They never know what to expect. I tried to make a calendar last semester for the four year old, and he didn't understand it. Perhaps I should try that again but in a different format. I do think that kids behave better when they have consistency: both the consistency in discipline that seems to be a catch phrase lately and also the consistency in schedules, in knowing what to expect, in having a feeling of some control over the situation. Our kids just have to go where we tell them to, whether they do so under their own power or with some prodding from us.
I thought I would be able to stay home seven months from now, with three beautiful children. Andy and I found out we were expecting in late December. We were going to sacrifice my income so that I could be home. Unfortunately, I lost the baby two or three weeks later - or so the ultrasound and blood tests say. So now I am left mourning my third child and mourning the hope of staying home in half the time I had previously thought. (While I am sad at times in regard to the miscarriage, I feel very blessed to have a little angel in Heaven to intercede for this family who could really use the intercessions of a special saint.) Luckily, Andy did offer that I cut my hours to twenty hours a week the first of September this year. I am so grateful that he is allowing for this. It will be a sacrifice financially but a more feasible one than my staying home. And we will, God willing, have another child in the spring or summer of next year.
I apologize if this post has a negative current to it. That is how I've been feeling recently. But I do know God is in charge, and I know there is hope. Everything we are doing now will be worthwhile in the end. It just seems to be a long time coming. It is funny that while we are on the journey, time can seem to tick by so slowly, but looking back, it seems as though we blink and it is gone. If you are still reading, thank you for sticking with this update to the end. I promise I will post more positive posts in the future. :)
Comments
Being worn out is a part of any working mom's life, but it is DOUBLY hard when you are the kind of person who is naturally inclined to do all things perfectly AND you need that time alone to recharge. When perfection and having the time you need to get back to where you want to be in order to face the world more gracefully just aren't possible (are they ever?), it's been my experience that it's easy to feel like things will never be manageable.
It's such a blessing that you will be able to cut back on hours. The countdown, as we've talked about before, is such a great way of being able to cope while you know that being stretched too thin is where you have to be right now.
Lots of prayers are headed your way. And just so you know, I don't think your post was negative at all. I think it was a refreshing and honest and quite graceful explanation of what you know about who you are and where you are at in life. You are beautiful!!
This was beautiful!
I think you are so aware of yourself and this post was a great example. There are many things that come along with the news of a new baby. Along with it comes the possibility of change, and that is something we need to mourn as well.
Thank you so much for reminding me of this.
It was wonderful to catch up on your blog!