Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Lent
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May your Lent be holy and a time of great prayer and fruitful sacrifice. May your desert time bring you closer to our Lord.
Well, I'll start with the good news. God is answering my prayers: He is helping me to become more patient and trusting and giving Andy a chance to practice being sensitive to my needs and communicate about his feelings. Just not the way I was hoping He would do it. Nine days ago, I found out I was pregnant... need I say more?? But I will anyway. Excited, I called my doctor. She ordered two hCG tests, 48 + hours apart, to be done quickly because of my recent history of miscarriage (Feb 2010) and because I'm on progesterone to help with pregnancies and cyclical hormonal levels. Didn't hear anything, so figured they were normal (really didn't even think about it), then heard the levels were too low (86 and 92) and didn't quadruple as they should have. So another was ordered, which I did yesterday. It was somewhere between 160 and 200 (a week after the first lab, so it should have doubled seven times, or been about 260 times the first number)... can't remembe...
I am an over-thinker, and analyzer, a worrier, a controller. I like to have a plan. I like to have things under control. I don't like the unknown. I will run over scenario after scenario in my head or look at site after site online for an answer. I don't like waiting for things to work themselves out. I have a very hard time quieting my mind. In the midst of five minutes of prayer, I will have to interrupt my thoughts many times to refocus on God. It's not that I have any greatly pressing questions in my life, but the ones I do have weigh on me constantly. And the influence of many sources, including my own thoughts and beliefs, have taught me that I need to be always moving forward, toward my goals. Remaining stagnant is difficult for me to accept. One thing on my mind is the hope of someday soon buying a house. We moved into the duplex we are currently in over five years ago, planning to live here less than a year. It is a great duplex as duplexes go, but the lack of ...
It has been nearly two years now since the onset of my anxiety. As I think over these last two years and see how much I have learned and how much I have grown as well as how much I have suffered and continue, to a much smaller degree, to suffer, I’m at the same time grateful for this experience and filled with regret. I still am filled with questions of why? Why did I have to go through this, and why do I still need to experience anxiety to the level I still do? To some extent, I can answer these questions. My faith has grown exponentially, as has my strength, my character, and my tolerance of suffering. And I know there’s still growth that needs to happen. I am not there yet. And, really, I don’t know if I’ll ever be “there.” The primary thing I continue to suffer from, besides the increasingly rare incidence of actual anxiety and the on edge feeling I more often feel, are constant palpitations. I feel these palpitations most notably as a strong pulse in my hands and in my he...
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