In Need of a few Prayers

I have to admit, I have been struggling quite a bit lately, off and on, mostly on, this winter and spring. I feel like I give and give... I give the my patients at work then I come home and give to two toddler boys. And I feel bad because after work I am either too exhausted to give to the boys or just simply don't feel like it. Everyone tells me I'm a good mother, but inside, I know I short change them. At work, people come to see me looking for answers. Why do they hurt? Why can't they do this or that? What is wrong with their shoulder, knee, back, etc? What can they do to get better? When is it going to get better? Overall, I like to answer these questions. It's like putting together a puzzle... like a mystery that needs to be solved. I enjoy being analytical. But sometimes I can't come up with the solutions. And I know that's ok. And sometimes I get tired of being so analytical. Sometimes I get tired of hearing about other people's pain. And when I'm struggling myself with exhaustion, I can't let that on. Work is not about me... it's about the patient. Which is fine.

But I want answers myself. I know joy lies in giving. If I give more to my boys, will I be happy? Or am I already giving too much and draining myself? And the same questions my patients ask: why do I hurt? What is wrong? What do I need to do to feel better? When will I feel better? Will I ever really feel better?

What I enjoy so much... reading and writing. I felt so alive when I was writing last summer. I felt so close to God while I was writing. Ever since Andy started school, I haven't been able to do much of that. There are too many things that need to be done around here. We're always behind. And Andy has 17 credits. He's having a hard time and has less patience with the boys. Even now as I'm typing this, I hear his patience growing thin with them. I can't leave for long. And when I do try to write, the words don't come anyway, so what's the point? I stop at church to pray and spend some time with Our Lord, often feeling better for much of the day, but it doesn't take long to lose that. I believe in trusting in God, that He helps us through it all. I know He is here with me, though I feel so far away from Him now and am having difficulty praying at times. Sometimes I wonder if having a job in which I need to have "all the answers" is of detriment to my soul. In life, God does not expect us to have the answers. We are not God. My analytical nature works both for me and against me. But I think my analytical nature is also why I enjoy writing so much, and writing for me is prayer.

Sorry about the huge "splat" of complaints (especially since I had giving up complaining for Lent). Just want to be honest. This is what I'm going through. I hope I don't sound crazy. I am grateful for any prayers. Thank you.