Falling on His Grace (what's in a name)

Though it has taken many forms or fallen under many names, I have dealt with some form of depression and/or anxiety for as long as I can remember. It has become a kind of cross for me, one for which I am always looking for ways of setting aside and moving beyond but one that I just cannot seem to shake. While still looking for ways of moving beyond depression and anxiety, I am making peace with the fact that it is a part of my life and am even beginning to see it as a sort of gift. That is, until I fall deep into its lairs once again and find myself struggling to make my way back from the darkness of despair to the light of hope and peace. Praise be to Him who, when I reach my hand out in prayer, reaches back and pulls me out of the darkness with a whisper of encouragement.

I have reflected quite often on this cross I carry as this scenario has repeated itself many times over. When I am standing in the light of hope and in prayer, I can clearly see that this cross of depression and anxiety is really an opportunity and an invitation to rely on God. Because I know despair I also know my deep need for Him. I know that I cannot live my life without Him, and I am learning to rely on Him more and more as I travel through my days. I am learning to rely on Him especially in my questions, in my busyness, in the anxiety-producing times. I am learning to reach out my hand to Him often as I have found that, when I don't, I too easily become overwhelmed by the daily grind of my busy life. I am very aware that, left to my own devices, I would quickly destroy myself, whether emotionally, spiritually, or perhaps physically. In this way, also, our Lord is truly my Savior.

I am also finding that this cross of depression is an opportunity to learn about our Lord, to learn about His love and His patience, and to grow in faith and love in Him. I am finding that not only should I not hide from the Truth that He is but that I must also embrace it, for His Truth is absolutely beautiful. I find no greater joy than in those moments when He reaches out and reveals something of the simplistic beauty of His Truth and draws me closer to Himself, out of my narrowness and selfishness, out of my despair. I am grateful for all those little lessons He has given me along the way and, therefore, for the need to open myself up to those lessons and to that love that depression lends to me.

I see depression as an opportunity to fall on the grace of God, to fall on His love and mercy. I see depression, and any kind of trial or cross, as a sort of tightrope or balance beam. We who are suffering, who are alive in this valley of darkness, are on this balance beam. We cannot stay balanced on the beam forever of our own devices alone. There will come a wind or a tremor that will knock us off our beam. For some, the beam is wide, and it is more difficult to knock them off; for others, such as myself, the beam is more narrow. Whoever we are, when that wind or tremor comes, we have a choice. We can either fall into despair or fall onto the grace of God. I choose to fall onto His grace. I hope you will join me.