Countdown to Graduation and Update

6 months today until Andy graduates! Amazing! I started this countdown around 22-23 months, at least in my head; I didn't check if I had started posting at that point. 6 months does not seem like a long time really, in some senses, though lately it seems to be much too long still. But this time will pass. A few weeks ago, I was starting to realize there may be a few things I will miss about working and about other things that may change. Then my miscarriage happened, which once again pointed out some of the disadvantages of being a working mom. Realizing the stress, my boys started misbehaving again, and I longed even more to stay home to get them back to normal faster. And I grew more frustrated than I had been with having a boss who discourages me from talking with anyone at work about my thyroid, depression, hormonal issues, or miscarriages, for fear of upsetting the other staff. I don't need to talk about it a lot, or with everyone there, but I'm female. I need to talk. Especially when I'm having a bad day. No wonder I feel isolated from the other staff. I thought it was just that I was too busy to talk with them.

Well, I digress. I've just been much more depressed again lately; hopefully it's just situational and will pass soon. I know it also has to do with having been on progesterone and having been taken suddenly off of it, with my body also producing very little if any progesterone of its own. And of course, having had another miscarriage. I was able to handle that first one really pretty well, being more patient with the process and truly grateful for the gift of having a little one in Heaven surrounded by Jesus' love, praying for us. I am grateful this time also, but also... angry and much more saddened. The last one, I somehow "knew" days after I found out that I was pregnant that I would not be able to be with him/her long and relayed that feeling to my doctor when all looked as if it were going fine. This one I truly thought I would be able to keep. I felt more "settled" in my pregnancy. The miscarriage was a complete shock. It leaves me wondering when (or perhaps even if) we'll have a child to hold in our arms. One miscarriage can be chalked up to something wrong with the child, but it is more difficult to explain away two that way... is there something wrong with my body or with my hormonal system, beyond low progesterone. Also, it leaves me wondering if I'm doing something wrong... like taking too much progesterone (I'm not blaming myself or my doctors if this is the case - we all do what we think is right), especially after finding what looked like chicken skin during the last miscarriage (I don't think I saw it yet with this one) and with a couple of my periods while on prome.trium and reading about that online only in regards to bi.rth contr.ol pills. I brought up the question of the chicken skin once during my appointment, before my miscarriage, and my doctor had never heard of it. But these are the questions this raises in my mind. The shock of this miscarriage also has left me angry with God, something I have not felt in a long, long time, and feeling alienated from Him, having difficulty praying (another reason I have appreciated all the prayers said for me).

Sorry about the downer of a post. I really don't like posting updates like this, and I don't like being a complainer. On a good note, God is teaching me more about surrendering to His Will and letting go of things when they don't go my way (good thing after all I said on this post, right?), but I'm learning pretty slowly. But I'm learning. And that is an awesome lesson to learn!